Dear Randy,

I just wanted to write and offer a sincere "fuck you" in regards to your column--In Lousy Loss, Cowboys had Trifecta: Stink, Stank, Stunk--from this past Sunday.

To be clear, it's not the overall message of your post I take issue with. I agree wholeheartedly that the Cowboys played like a bunch of ninnies. (That was the message of your post, wasn't it? I find it so difficult to decipher poorly-written sports columns.)

No, my "fuck you" is directed at this line:

The Cowboys had an embarrassing "all three phases" first-half collapse against the Houston Texans, a team that will be lucky to win five regular-season games.

Lucky to win five, eh? And you are basing that on what, pray tell? My guess it that you've spent far too much time writing love letters to Tony Romo this offseason to actually look at the Texans. Of course, coming from Fort Worth--the ugly sister with an inbred crush on her drug-addict brother, Dallas--I suppose it only makes sense that you would be busy worshiping at the Altar of Botched Snaps.

Fact is, you were fed a steaming turd sandwich by a team that played its starters less than you did, rendered your blitzing defense more or less null and void, and featured a running back that your own announcers were laughing about until he ran all over you. Do you really want to say that this team is unlikely to wi--

Wait a second... did you really paraphrase "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" in your title?!? Did your group home arrange this job for you as a way to get you out in mainstream society? Do you wear a helmet? Are you going to treat your readers to "Romo Hears a Who" next? Would my message be easier for you to comprehend in some sort of rhyme?

I do not like you, sportswriting jerk
I do not like you, I hate your work
Your city's a joke
Your analysis is too
From the depths of my heart
Randy, fuck you

I hope this helps. Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,
Matt

Labels: Inanity, Open Letters, Poetry, Righteous Indignation, Special Teams

Posted by matt on Monday, August 27, 2007 at 8:45 AM | Permalink