Wednesday, October 17, 2007

David Carr: You wanted to see me, Coach?

John Fox: Yeah. Have a seat, Nancy.

Carr: I really wish you wouldn--

Fox: So, Sissyphus, I was hoping you could help me with a little puzzle. How is it that a 43-year-old man can sign with this team on Wednesday and, by Sunday, look as comfortable running the offense as you would be playing Monster Rain?

Carr: With all due respect, sir, I thin--

Fox: Because I think the answer is "he's smart enough to throw the ball to Steve." Which is another way of saying "He's not retarded." Which is my way of suggesting that maybe you are retarded.

Carr: Now, wait. I jus--

Fox: But being retarded isn't enough, is it? No, you had to go and get a fucking minor injury that should be healed by the time we play again, so I now have a quarterback controversy between Father Time and Retard McFaggygloves. Great. Do you know how fucking annoying this is?

Carr: I can--

Fox: It's more annoying than late night phone calls to your wife that you are sure are being made by Chris Weinke. It's that fucking irritating. I would honestly rather have someone pluck out my left eyeball and fuck my brain than have to deal with ridiculous shit.

Carr: I'm sor--

Fox: Unless you are offering to walk into oncoming traffic, fucking save it, douchenozzle. I have to figure out how to deal with this shit. The goddamned press is going to have a field day with this.

*phone rings*

Fox: This is Coach Fox.

Voice: Yeah, I was just callin' to see if y'all needed a quarterback?

Fox: Goddamnit, Kubiak, this shit isn't funny anymore!

*slams phone down*

Fox: See what you've done, you fancy-haired shithead?

Carr: If you'll jus--

Fox: Shut up. Shut the goddamned fuck up before I punch you in the neck. Let me tell you what's going to happen. You and Vinnie are going to fight it out to see who starts.

Carr: You mean based on how well we practice?

Fox: No, uber-puss, I mean "fight it out." What part of that confuses you? Two men enter, one man leaves, motherfucker. Punch, stab, whatever. No rules. Et cetera. Get it?

Carr: I am pretty sure that is against the collective bargaining agreement, sir.

Fox: And I am pretty sure I don't give a goddamn. I don't want to deal with the shit that you caused, so you two are going to figure it out amongst yourselves. You might want to stand up.

*throws closet door open*

Vinnie Testaverde: It's go time, gayness! Knuckle up! I'm Vinnie fucking Testaverde!!!

Labels: 2007 Season, Fake Conversations with Real People, Sucks to be John Fox, Teams that aren't the Texans, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Posted by matt on Wednesday, October 17, 2007 at 2:43 PM | Permalink