Dear Durga,

Um, hi. We haven't been formally introduced; my name is Matt. I got your name and address from our mutual friend, Sid.

I understand that you are, like, the Goddess of Vengeance. That is pretty awesome. Insanely awesome, actually. I bet that comes in handy, huh? Like, I read something that said you were the god people prayed to in order to have their personal demons destroyed. That is fucking bad ass.

That's kind of why I am writing you, too. You see, my personal demon is Petey Faggins in a Texans uniform. That is the one thing in my life that busts the balls of my very soul. So, you know, if that demon could be destroyed, I would be eternally grateful. Now I am not saying I want him killed--that would be going overboard, even for me. I am just wanting him to no longer be playing for the Houston Texans. I'll leave the logistics of that up to you, you ravishing 10-armed demonsmasher.

Now, I know what you are thinking. That I am not even Hindu and that I should pray to my own deitydamned deity. I already tried that, though, and He is either unwilling or unable to help. Having only one god apparently puts serious constraints on the amount of prayer-granting that can be done in a given week. But you exist solely to, as I understand it, destroy some motherfucking demons.

Just so you understand the gravity of the situation, this other dude named Carlos Rogers went down with a severe injury last week and fans of the Redskins were thrilled. Well I would take Carlos Rogers on a ruptured knee over Petey Faggins. It's that deep, honey. It's that deep.

Anywho...I won't take up any more of your time. Even as a unitasker, you probably have a whole lot of demons to deal with. If you could just pencil me in for some time between, say, now and this Sunday at 11:59 AM, that would be awesome.

With much love and admiration,
Matt

P.S. That "11:59" thing up there is Central Standard Time in America. I mention this because I am not sure what time zone the eternal realm is in. Probably Greenwich Mean Time.

Labels: Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Inanity, Might as well piss off as many different religions as possible, Multi-culturalism, Open Letters, Self-Referential Stuff

Posted by matt on Thursday, November 1, 2007 at 7:23 PM | Permalink