I said there would be major changes, and I meant it.

As of the end of this post, nothing new will be written at http://gotexans.blogspot.com. Instead, you can find the "New and (hopefully) Improved DGDB&D" at http://www.atexansblog.com/. Adjust your bookmarks accordingly.

Movin' on up...to the East Side...to a deeeluxe apartment in the sky-y-y-y.

(Much thanks to bigfatdrunk for his help with hosting, getting everything set up, and referencing porn at least three times today.)

See you at the new place.

Labels: Bloggerating, Self-Referential Stuff

Posted by Matt at 7:43 PM | Permalink | links to this post

By now, I am sure that you've heard about this.

It appears that the powers-that-be over at Chron.com have decided to launch a Cowboys blog. Seriously? Because, maybe I am just hearing what I want to hear, but it has certainly sounded to me that one of the chief complaints about the Chronicle--along with Richard Justice being a talentless shitstain--has been that the paper seems to devote too much ink/coverage/love/masturbatory fantasies to things other than the Texans.

Knowing that, the decision to launch a fanblog about the team that nearly every Texans fan loathes is questionable at best. It's a big "fuck you" to the Texans fans at worst. Some of the commenters on that Chron story have made good comparisons--that it's like having a "Bronx chapter of the Red Sox fan club"--but that misses the point slightly, as the Yankees would likely be well represented and well covered alongside the Red Sox talk. Here, this is nothing more than offering to be the pivot man for any Cowboys fans that come along, while simultaneously taking a gigantic dump on the Texans and their fans.

And, really, is that even surprising at this point? The writers over there have made it more than clear that they are willing to let their personal feelings about players color what the write, that they have no qualms about making stuff up about players or about the team in general, and that many of them would like nothing more than to be Vince Young's fluffer in their next lives. So why, then, would we be even slightly shocked that they would take the next logical step and put fan coverage of the Cowboys on par with that of the Texans? The only unexpected part of this story is that they didn't just have Thomas Hilton killed and replace the Texans fan blog completely.

I can't speak for anyone else, but this is the final straw with me. As of now, unless one of the stories over there mentions me or this blog by name, I will not comment on or link to anything written by paid employees of the Houston Chronicle. I'm reasonably sure I will get by without them.

Labels: Fuck the Cowboys, Houston Chronicle, Richard Justice is a no-talent assclown, Righteous Indignation, Suck it bitchez

Posted by Matt at 9:39 PM | Permalink | links to this post

Last week: 13-3 (boo yah.)
Season: 99-60

Week 12 Picks
Oakland @ Kansas City. Thanks for playing, Priest Holmes. It was nice of you to show up and make me look smart for picking you up in my fantasy league. Bummer about that neck thing. Maybe you could have it amputated or something; I'm not really a doctor, though, so I don't know. Pick: Kansas City

New Orleans @ Carolina. I enjoyed the fact that four different people emailed me about the "Carr losing his job" thing. Even better were the subject lines, like "Ha! Carr eats balls!" and "Zoolander benched, possibly in tears." A+, peoples. Pick: Carolina

JUGGERNAUT@ Cleveland. This game is giving me heartburn. I love the fact that we should be able to throw all over them. I hate the fact that they will be able to throw all over us. I love that Andre Johnson makes such a difference in our team. I hate that Derek Anderson is an untouchable ninja. Etc. Pick: Houston

Seattle @ St. Louis. The NFC West is one of the best examples I've seen for not overturning Roe v. Wade. Pick: Seattle

Washington @ Tampa Bay. If there is on group of fans who can understand what Texans fans have dealt with on the injury front this season, it's Redskins fans. Other than that, I can think of nothing even remotely entertaining to say about this game. Pick: Washington

Tennessee @ Cincinnati. If you won $100,000,000, what three things would you definitely do? I would buy a hippopotamus, fund a coup in a third-world country, and buy the Tennessee Titans so I could run them into the ground. Thankfully, I would already have the perfect QB to accomplish this diabolical plan. BWAHAHAHAHA! Pick: Tennessee

Buffalo @ Jacksonville. I have stuck with the Bills for much of the last couple months, so I see no reason to stop now that a win would actually HELP the Texans. Pick: Buffalo

Minnesota @ New York Giants. Some games are so damned obvious, it takes the fun out of this. There is NO way Minny stops Plaxico and Shockey. None. Can't happen. Pick: New York Giants

San Francisco @ Arizona. No, seriously, FUCK the NFC West. It's like watching a midget sodomize a corpse, only without being funny. Pick: Arizona

Denver @ Chicago. Is it possible for an entire team to be schizophrenic? Because this Denver team has at least three different personalities, only one of which is good. Pick: Denver

Baltimore @ San Diego. That Verizon Wireless commercial where people are dancing like they are having seizures and the song keeps saying "watch me move like my Juke" makes me want to punch someone in the face. Sad part is, it's not even in my top 5 current most hated commercials; it's just the most annoying one that played as I was thinking of something to write about this game. Pick: San Diego

Philadelphia @ New England. I'm bored. Pick: New England

Miami @ Pittsburgh. The Steelers fell asleep during the Jets game last week and let one slip away. Luckily for them, they could actually play this entire game in their sleep and still win by 14. Pick: Pittsburgh

Labels: 2007 Season, Inanity, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Secondary issues are primary, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity

Posted by Matt at 8:26 PM | Permalink | links to this post

Hello peoples. I am here today to talk to you about proper holiday nutrition.

You see, too often peoples such as yourselves fail to include an important food group in your Thanksgiving feastseses. Oh, sure, you remember the scrumptious turkey with stuffing, the sweet potatoes with the little melty marshmallows on top, the cranberry sauce, the punkin pies, and even the smashed potatoes with giblet gravy. All of that is verry, verry delightful, but it is incomplete. So, let Travis Johnson impart a little wisdom this Thanksgiving morning: When making dinner, please don't forget the vegetables.



Happy Thanksgiving.

Labels: Holiday posts, Inanity, Travis Johnson, Trent Green's mushed up brains

Posted by Matt at 6:32 AM | Permalink | links to this post

BUT BIG CHANGES ARE COMING TO DGDB&D!!!!!

Labels: Self-Referential Stuff

Posted by Matt at 10:46 AM | Permalink | links to this post

Ed. note: It's no secret that I have an active dislike for the Houston Chronicle and, even more specifically, for the trite drivel spewed by most of their sportswriters. Lest ye think I am alone in my disdain, I present the following letter from BFD to John McClain, as first posted at BRB.

Dear Mr. McClain,

As I intimated recently, the Jurassic media, such as the Houston Comicle, jumped the shark many years ago. As if to prove my point with a flourish, you publish this absolute turd of an article.

Forgetting such basic math concepts such as prior performance is no guarantee of future performance or that as variables (aka players, coaches, your BAC) change, the outcome will change, I will again pound on a theme that has become blatantly obvious to any reader with an education level north of Richard Justice, or about the 4th grade.

You, Mr. McClain, hate the Texans. Whether it's the unrequited love syndrome that so affects Justice due to his man-crush on Vince Young, or whether you seem to enjoy inflicting Solomon-esque pain, I am not quite sure. Perhaps, it's a little of both? Or am I missing something?

Now, I'm sure your defense will be, "But I mentioned they are .500! Don't you read? Or do you just read what you want to read?" To answer your questions, yes I read. And, yes, I read what I want to read. You, dear sir, do not fall into the "want to read" category. As for yet another back-handed compliment, we'll just place that one in the Mario file.

If you are the General, you are the modern-day equivalent of Ambrose Burnside. And with a leader like you, who needs the bleach?

The overall lack of objectivity toward the Texans is incredibly reprehensible, but even when given the opportunity to play a bit of a hometown fan-boy, you showed your true colors. How could, and why should, anyone consider the Houston Chronicle sports section a reliable source of information when you and your cohorts have exhibited such unmitigated and non-negotiable hatred of the Houston Texans?

Your BFF,
XOXOXOXOX,
bigfatdrunk

PS: I'm sure you'll take full credit for being incredibly right, all the time, once the bandwagon starts chugging.

Labels: Houston Chronicle, McTard, Megan Manfull is retarded, Open Letters, Richard Justice is a no-talent assclown, Suck it bitchez

Posted by Matt at 9:28 AM | Permalink | links to this post

Just scrolled across the bottom of NFL Network:

"Houston Texans: Activate RB Darius Walker from practice squad."

Interesting for a number of reasons. First, this might mean that Gary is starting to doubt Joe Echemandu. (Echeman-don't?) Second, it wasn't that long ago that someone close to the Texans organization told me that "Walker’s not good, but you’re right [in thinking] he asked to be released. That said, I would be shocked if he made a roster, let alone play a down in the NFL." Maybe is he is less not good now? Third, could this possibly be the final sign that Ahman Green shan't be suiting up in the Texans colors again this year (or ever)?

Labels: 2007 Season, Adimchinobe Echemandu is fun to say, Batman, Injury bug, Nigerians, RB free-for-all

Posted by Matt at 7:44 PM | Permalink | links to this post

One of the great things about last Sunday's win (and, really, any win) is that it allows me to move on quickly to thinking about the next game instead of dwelling on all the ways I'd like to injure Richard Smith (i.e. with a tack hammer, throwing him in front of a train, etc.). So, it's on to the City by the Lake. Or, if you are the negative type, that place where the fucking river caught on fire multiple times.

Two weeks into this season, I was contemplating hiring someone with large hands to fist Randy Lerner because it looked like that draft pick they traded to Dallas was going to be a top 5 pick and would net Dallas Darren McFadden. Thankfully, they have improved since then, negating my need for paid sexual assault. Somewhat.

Unfortunately, if you are a Texans fan, the Browns' improvement has been significant. They are currently 6-4 thanks in large part to the play of Derek "Horse Balls" Anderson and a couple nice field goal bounces. Fortunately, if you are a Texans fan, they Browns record is due in no way to their defense, which could not stop a fat a Girl Scout from gaining 75 yards on 20 carries. (This is especially good news for Ron Dayne who is, in many ways, our own fat Girl Scout.)

Over at BRB, Mr. "Oh, yeah, I completely forgot that there were two bloggers," Scott, offers up a detailed examination of the AFC Playoff picture and where the Texans fit within it. Basically, if we win our next two games--@ Cleveland and @ Tennessee--we will have a real shot at playing into January; if we don't, we can probably start making reservations for whatever the hell people do in January. Simple.

So, what will it take to win this week? Well, as I noted above, Cleveland's defense is about as potent as a mustard burp on a windy day in the stockyards. They rank 31st in the league against the pass and 28th against the run. Now, while we might not have much of a run game (inexplicable Ron Dayne performances notwithstanding), we can pass the hell out of the ball, ranking 7th with nearly 255 yards per game. And that was without AJ for most of the year. If Schaub doesn't crack 300 this week, something went wrong. Thus, we should have little-to-no problem scoring. THUS, whether we win is going to come down--as it always seems to--to whether we can stop the Browns passing attack (10th in the league with almost 240/ypg).

If you'd asked me prior to the Saints game if we were going to beat any team that passed the ball well, I'd have kicked you in the junk for being a facetious asshole. Now, however, I can at least have hope.

For one thing, the secondary played very well last week and, in a bizarre turn of events, decided that they should attempt to intercept the ball. Always a welcome addition, that. They are not going to be mistaken for a Pro Bowl roster, but they seem to play well together and everyone seemingly has a role. The Fred gets to be the physical corner, bis the ball-hawking corner, C.C. gets to knock the shit out of people, and L.L. Smooth Will is the Indian Chief. In theory, that works.

In reality, however, that only works when you have adequate pressure on the QB. After the Saints game, we now have proof that, properly motivated, the defensive line can get some pressure on the opposing ball chucker by themselves. This week will give them a chance to prove that they can do it against an NFL-quality line, as Anderson has only been sacked 8 times this year. And, since we know that Richard Smith blitzes roughly as often as I post without swearing, the front four is going to have their work cut out for them.

Barring anything unforeseen, that is pretty much the long and short of the game: can our pass defense hold up enough to keep Cleveland from matching us score for score? I mean, after watching Mario and Co. superman Reggie Bush, I have little concern that Jamal Lewis is going to break 80 yards on us. On the flip side, I think the Dayne Trayne will rumble for just enough against Cleveland's run "defense" to keep the Browns honest. All of which means that, as of this moment, our playoff hopes (or, stated more generally, our hopes for a winning season) rest on the shoulders of four guys who were either not starting in week 1 or who were starting at a different position.

Strangely--and perhaps this is a sign of how far this team has come--I am not near as worried as I probably should be.

Labels: 2007 Season, Ron Dayne likes pie, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario, Teams that aren't the Texans, The Fred, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Posted by Matt at 8:51 AM | Permalink | links to this post

Regardless of how good it felt to watch our defense slap Reggie Bush around like he stole something, the most important thing about yesterday's game was that it got us back to .500. This seems obvious, but consider the implications--a win meant that we needed to go 3-3 over the last six, while a loss forced us to go 4-2 if we were to break even on the year. Considering both our schedule and how we've played thus far, I don't think it's a stretch to say that 3-3 seems infinitely more likely than 4-2. Thankfully, we don't have to think about that today.

What we do get to think about is all the things that went right yesterday. IT'S BULLETED LIST TIME!!!!

• Andre m.f. Johnson. Welcome back, sir. Regardless of how well Apostrophe and K-Dub and the gang played in Johnson's absence, one need only look at that gorgeous 73-yard TD strike to realize just how much AJ means to this offense. A person would not be incorrect in assuming that a healthy AJ for the entire season would have meant at least one more win (Atlanta? Tennessee? INDY???) and possibly more. Of course, this realization only increases my annoyance with Gary Kubiak for having Johnson on the field in the fourth quarter of a blowout at Carolina. Somehow, this has managed to be swept under the rug by the mainstream media--probably because they ignore us in general--but that lack of action by Kubiak towers over his clock-management skills in terms of how much it hurt us.
• Mario Williams. Dear Richard Justice, Eat poop. Sincerely, Mario Williams. I mentioned it yesterday, but six tackles (4 of which were on Reggie Bush) and a sack/forced fumble for Mario would be good in any game, but in a game like this, where he was under a national microscope, that's out-freakin'-standing. (Speaking of the national spotlight, not to play the Rodney Dangerfield card again, but it's indicative of the lack of respect we get nationally that people weren't talking very loudly about how Mario outplayed Reggie; after all, were the roles reversed and Reggie the better player yesterday, NFL writers would have been all over it. Whatever.)
• Ron Dayne. Seriously? No, I mean, for really serious? I fail to understand the enigmatic pastry that is Ron Dayne. How can he cut back against blocks and sneak through holes for the occasional big run, yet not be able to get a 4th and 1? He weighs 245 pounds for christsakes. And why does Andre Ware keep telling me that Dayne is a "power runner?" Power runners get that single yard and fall forward; Dayne is merely a surprisingly quick fat guy. Still, nice performance yesterday, Krispy Kreme.
• Reggie Bush. Thanks for the two fumbles, douche nozzle.
• Owen Daniels. Two questions: How do you break your nose while wearing a football helmet and how bad ass do you have to be to play the game with a broken nose? I have no answer for the first one, but the answer to the second is "as bad ass as Owen Daniels." Also, he got shafted on the fumble call (more on that in a minute), so his day of 5 catches for 72 yards with a broken nose was even better than it appears.
• Defensive line. Richard Smith continues to adhere to his "ewww, blitzes are yucky" philosophy, but the defensive line stepped up big yesterday. They had backfield penetration all day and even got a sack on a QB who had been sacked the league's fewest times. They combined for 19 total tackles, 1 sack, and two forced fumbles. You can't ask for much more than that without bringing some extra bodies. Of course, this performance shows that there is real talent in that front four, which leads me to believe that, in addition to avoiding blitzes like Karen Carpenter avoided cake, Richard Smith is having problems motivating his players. I know, I know..."they are professionals, so they shouldn't need outside motivation." Probably true, but they are also reasonably young, unaccustomed to winning consistently, constantly maligned by jerkwad Chronicle writers, and having to do the pass rushing duties entirely on their own, so offering some motivation and trying to get guys fired up might be necessary for a year or two. Hell, Mario played like a man possessed yesterday, almost certainly because he had the Reggie thing to spur him on. The other guys picked up on that, too. The defensive coordinator needs to at least try to light that kind of fire under his players week in and week out.
• Offensive line. Hmm...at the beginning of the year, when they looked really good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Yesterday, when they again looked good, Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson were healthy. Interesting. Still, they only allowed one sack and Schaub seemed to have enough time to go through his reads most of the afternoon. Kudos, large men.
• Matt Schaub. In addition to hitting Johnson and going through his reads well, Schaub also fired a laser to Joel Dreessen in the back of the endzone. I know a certain gloved QB who could not have made that throw even in practice.
• The secondary. For a group that was supposed to give up roughly 575 yards passing yesterday, they looked pretty damned good. Von Hutchins got himself an INT, just to show Stephanie that she was wrong about him, and the other guys played well pretty much start to finish. Who woulda thunk it?
  
• Kris Brown. If a story came out today that alleged Kris Brown was a ninja from the future, I would buy it completely.
• Matt Turk. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Other things worth thinking about, but from a not-so-happy point of view:

• Adimchinobe Echemandu. 1 carry, 1 fumble lost, -3 fantasy points for me. I fear I might have believed too highly in the talent of Joe Echema. Please prove me wrong, Joe. Please.
• Mike Carey and his Crew of Assclowns. OK...someone please tell me how in the hell a crew can consistently get every single call wrong. How is this possible? Even worse, how does the official get the part of a play being challenged wrong? OF COURSE Daniels lost the ball, tick turd; that's not what you were supposed to be looking at. And the fumble Mario caused, where you just assumed after the fact that New Orleans had possession? How did that work? Oh, and what about the numerous times no one felt the need to flag illegal linemen down field? Do we not call that one anymore? I'm glad we won, just so this doesn't sound like sour grapes, but that was an absolutely wretched job. Unfortunately, that was also the norm for a Mike Carey crew.
• Umm...I think that's about it.

5-5. I'll take it.

Labels: 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Andre Johnson, Matt Turk rules, Owen Daniels is a big ol' Pimp, Reggie Bush, Righteous Indignation, Secondary issues are primary, Super Mario

Posted by Matt at 10:22 AM | Permalink | links to this post

February 7, 2038

Television Announcer: ...and, with that, the Houston Texans are Super Bowl Champions for the fourth time in franchise history! For head coach Sage Rosenfels, this victory has to be extra sweet. Let's head down to the Erin Andrews' Robot Clone for an interview with the Super Bowl LXII MVP, defensive back DeMarcus Faggins, Jr .

Me: (turning off TV) Computer.

Computer: Yes, handsome?

Me: Dictate blog post.

Computer: Ready.

Me: And so, it came to pass that, on this seven--

Grandson #1: (running in from other room) Grandpa! Grandpa! We won!!

Grandson #2: Tell us about the old Texans, grandpa!

Me: Ok, ok. Calm down. What do you guys want to hear about?

Grandson #2: Mario Williams!

Grandson #1: Andre Johnson!

Me: Well, I can do that. In fact, I think I can tell you about both of them at once. (reclining into virtual chair) The year was 2007. Things were veeerrry different back then.

Grandson #2: What do you mean?

Me: Well, for one thing, kids were not sponsored by corporations, so your name would just be "George" instead of "Home Depot presents George."

Grandson #1: And my name wouldn't have "presented by Massengil" in it?

Me: Exactly. And another thing--Senator Sean Preston Federline was just a little white-trash toddler being neglected by his mom. Only we saw it every single day on national TV. It was her OD on Red Bull and Marlboro Lights in 2009 that really saved Sean.

Grandson #2: Wow! What were the Texans like?

Me: Well, back in 2007, they were still looking for their first winning season. They had gotten rid of David Carr--

Grandson #1: The gay actor?

Me: Yep, but this was before he came out of the closet and started dating Tony Romo. Anyway, they'd finally gotten rid of him and they'd traded for Matt Schaub, who would later go on to become the mayor of Houston. Even though things were looking up, though, the team was still taking a lot of flack from the media for taking Mario Williams in the 2006 draft over this guy named Reggie Bush.

Grandson #2: The media? You mean blogs?

Me: No, George, I mean print media. You see, back then, newspapers were actually sold in paper form instead of being delivered over email. And the writers at the Houston Chronicle, which doesn't exist anymore, were constantly bashing Mario Williams. This one asshole--excuse me--this one jerk, Richard Justice, was continually making up lies and trying to convince people that Mario was awful. Years later, Justice was arrested for trafficking in Ethiopian child porn. Really strange case, that one.

Anyway...it happened in 2007 that the New Orleans Saints--this was before New Orleans sank into the Gulf and the team moved to Utah--came to Houston with both teams sporting 4-5 records. This was the big "Mario versus Reggie" matchup people were waiting for. To add to the drama, though, Andre Johnson had been injured since week 2 and was returning for this game. Oh, and our secondary had lost all sorts of players, including Hall of Famer Dunta Robinson.

Well, the media--remember, this was before blogs like mine and "Tim's Battle Red Blogging Extravaganza presented by Old Crow" had really taken off--were predicting that Reggie would run all over our defense, that Mario would be a non-factor, and that Matt wouldn't have time to even look for Andre Johnson.

Grandson #1: What happened?!

Me: Pretty much everything that they thought would not happen. Matt hit Andre on a 73 yard TD early in the game. Our secondary knocked down a bunch of passes and came up with some key interceptions. Mario had 6 tackles and a sack. And Reggie was awful, fumbling twice and averaging around two yards per carry.

Grandson #2: Ewww. That's awful.

Me: Tell me about it. That game really marked the beginning of the end for Bush. Within three years, he was a punt returner for the Cleveland Browns.

Grandson #1: What happened with the Texans?

Me: Well, they wound up .500 in 2007, made the playoffs for the first time in 2008 and, in February 2011, won their first Super Bowl by defeating the San Francisco 49ers in the Cowboys new stadium. Your uncle Rupert was conceived later that same night in a hotel room in Arlington after a few too many dri--um, err, I mean... it's bedtime, fellas. Go kiss grandma goodnight.

Grandson #2: Goodnight, grandpa.

Me: Computer.

Computer: Yes, magnificent one?

Me: Scratch the last post. I'm tired; just use the old "fake conversation" template and mail one in.

Computer: As you wish. Fuck the Cowboys.

Labels: 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Fuck the Cowboys, Houston Chronicle, Reggie Bush, Self-Referential Stuff, Super Mario, The Future

Posted by Matt at 8:46 AM | Permalink | links to this post

15 carries for 34 yards (2.27/carry), 12 catches for 70 yards, 2 Fumbles Lost

(Just for the hell of it: Mario Williams 6 tackles, 1 sack, 1 forced fumble, in on 4 tackles that limited Bush to 5 total yards)

Labels: 2006 Draft, 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats, Super Mario

Posted by Matt at 3:03 PM | Permalink | links to this post

Being that I live in Little Rock, and being that Little Rock is roughly equidistant from Houston and New Orleans, and factoring in that Little Rock still has a number of displaced New Orleansians, I blindly assumed that I would get to watch today's game.

Not so.

It appears that there is an island of Arkansas that gets treated to NY-Detroit. Because, you know, there are likely to be a LOT of Giants and Lions fans here, right? (I understand that Cowboys fans might be interested in the Giants outcome, but that's not really a reason to air the game, is it?)

Damn. Off to find an internet feed.

Labels: 2007 Season, Fuck the Cowboys, National Media, Self-Referential Stuff, Teams that aren't the Texans

Posted by Matt at 10:13 AM | Permalink | links to this post

I think there's a good chance that, years from now, the most embarrassing thing about this blog will not be the forcible sodomy jokes, or the blasphemy, or even the fact that I spent most of my time making up conversations between people I have never met.

Nope, while those will all certainly be cringe-inducing to varying degrees, the most embarrassing thing is going to be this comment on Ahman Green:

I gotta say, along with The Schaub Experiment and the Okoye-Mario tandem, I am pumped about Batman being in a Texans uni. I even wrote a post on it somewhere (post-vacation hangover--way too lazy to look for the post). Barring something catastrophic, I think we can pencil him in for over 1100 yards. When's the last time you were thinking that going into a season?

If you followed my advice--and, if you did, shame on you--go ahead and erase that "1100 yards." Feel free to replace it with "14 injuries."

Seriously, though--what the hell? I thought we'd get somewhere between 12 and 14 games out of him. Instead, if Kubiak's latest is to be believed, there's a chance we won't even see him again this season. Fantastic.

Last week: 9-5
Season: 86-57

Week 11 Picks

Miami @ Philadelphia. I've never been to Philly, so everything I know about the city, I picked up from Rocky movies. For instance, meat packing plants have no supervisors, so you are free to go in and beat the shit out of beef. There are bums singing around burning trashcans on every corner. And people will pay rapt attention to computer-simulated boxing matches during SportsCenter. Odd place, Philadelphia. Pick: Philadelphia

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta. A-T-L, Georgia, what can we do fo' ya?/ Bulldoggin' hoes like them Georgetown Hoyas/ Boy you sounding silly, think my Brougham ain't sittin' pretty/ Doin' doughnuts 'round you suckas like them circles around titties. Pick: Atlanta

Cleveland @ Baltimore. I'm as baffled as you are by this Cleveland team. You know what's not baffling, though? Baltimore's complete lack of offense. Pick: Cleveland

San Diego @ Jacksonville. From the city of Jacksonville website: "When it comes to spectator sports in Jacksonville, there's no question that football is king. And the king's throne is Jacksonville Municipal Stadium, which opened in August 1995, and is home of the Jacksonville Jaguars of the National Football League." OH, those Jacksonville Jaguars. I'm glad they specified. Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans @ JUGGERNAUT. Yeah, yeah, yeah...2006 Draft, blah blah. Whatever. This game is all about one thing--Reggie Bush's vagina. Pick: HOUSTON

Kansas City @ Indianapolis. I cannot come up with a situation where the Colts would lose this game, even if they weren't coming off back-to-back losses. So, instead, another story from when I lived in Kansas City. I was working out at my usual gym, which had this shitty, indoor basketball court. It was all of the usual people for the most part, including former Chief and current color-commentator JC Pearson. All of the sudden, we hear this buzz, as if a LOT more people have stopped lifting and started watching the crappy basketball game. Then, I figured out why--KC resident and (then) LA Laker Tyronne Lue had showed up and actually wanted to play. Somehow--and I will never understand why until the day I die--I wound up guarding him on five possessions. The first two times, he drained a three over me. The third, he crossed over, I fell down, and he hit a jumper. The fourth, though, right as he moved left, I stuck out my hand and stole the ball for a fast break layup. Before I could gloat, however, he caught a pass in the corner, blew past the guy closest to him, and basically jumped over me to dunk the ball. For the rest of the time I went to that gym, I was known as "the dude Lue dunked on." Pick: Indianapolis

New York Giants @ Detroit. This could actually be one of the best games of the week, but I am completely uninspired by it. I think it's because I hate the Lions. Pick: New York Giants

Carolina @ Green Bay. Everyone else will be pointing out that a Vinnie v. Brett matchup is a whole lot of combined years at QB. Fuck that. The more interesting story is that a Brett v. Mittens matchup pits two guys who could not be less alike against one another. It's George Clooney v. Perez Hilton. Pick: Green Bay

Oakland @ Minnesota. Thirty years ago, I was happily gestating somewhere in southern MO, Rod Stewart was burning up the airways with "Tonight's The Night," and this pairing was your Super Bowl matchup. None of that really matters much, except I just realized that I am getting really close to turning thirty. Fuck. Pick: Oakland

Arizona @ Cincinnati. Hey, Marvin, when you inevitably get fired at the end of the year (if not sooner), would you have any interest in returning to a defensive coordinator position? If so, please send your resume to Gary Kubiak, 1 Reliant Park, Houston, TX 77054. (Oh, Richard Smith, if you could start boxing up your stuff, that would be great.) Pick: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets. Horrible confession: I was a little disappointed that the J-E-T-S fireman guy wasn't among the casualties on 9/11. Does this make me a bad person? (Like I really need to ask.) Pick: Pittsburgh

Chicago @ Seattle. [Author's note: Horrible, obvious joke coming.] They're bringing Rexy back. Them other QBs don't know how to act. Lovie, let him make up for all the things you lack. Let Rexy air it out because we're sinking fast. [/horrible, obvious joke] Pick: Seattle

St. Louis @ San Francisco. Goddamn, this game sucks. Pick: St. Louis

Washington @ Dallas. Sean Taylor is hurt. This is bad. Strangely, he is still better in coverage than Roy Williams. Also, because I have nothing else, fuck the Cowboys. Pick: Dallas

New England @ Buffalo. Will they get to 19-0? I'm not sure. Will they beat the Bills? You bet your sweet titties. Pick: New England

Tennessee @ Denver. DGDB&D reader (and part-time instigator) Tman is going to be at this game. With any luck, Barrel Man will expose himself to Tman and the other Titans fans just as Ian Gold knocks Vince Young unconscious. Regardless, the odds of me busting out the live blog for this game are pretty good. Pick: Denver

Labels: 2007 Season, Batman, Boobies, Fuck the Cowboys, Inanity, Posts that list too many players, Predictions Guaranteed To Go Wrong, Self-Referential Stuff, Zoolander's snazzy handwear

Posted by Matt at 6:20 PM | Permalink | links to this post

Sports Bar in Heaven, 6 Kislev 5768 (Heaven does not buy into the Gregorian calendar)

God: (to other people at his table) ...this was during the Los Angeles marijuana drought of 1986. I still had a connection. Which was insane, 'cause people couldn't get weed anyfuckinwhere then. Anyway, I had a connection with this hippie chick up in Santa Cruz and all my friends knew it. And they'd give me a call and say, "Hey, God...hey, dude, you gettin' some, you think you could get me some too?" They knew I smoked, so they'd ask me to buy a little for them when I was buying for myself. But it got to be that everytime I bought some weed, I was buyin for four or five different people. Finally I said, "Fuck this shit." I'm makin' this bitch rich. She didn't have to do jack shit; she never even had to meet these people. I was doin' all the work...then that got to be a pain in the ass. People called me on the phone all the fuckin' time. I couldn't rent a fuckin' tape without six fucking phone calls interrupting me. "Hey, when's the next time you're gettin' some?" "Motherfucker, I'm tryin to watch The Lost Boys! When I have some, I'll let you know." And then these rinky-dink pot heads come by--they're my friends and everything, but still, y'know? I got all my shit laid out in sixty dollar bags. They don't want sixty dollars worth. They want ten dollars worth. Breaking it up is a major fuckin pain in the ass. I don't eve--

St. Peter: (interrupting) Sorry dude, but you need to see this. (conjures up magical heavenly computer monitor out of mid-air) It seems a blogger has been writing prayers to you in the hopes that you would heal and/or hurt certain professional football players.

God: Son of a bitch. I swear to Me, this is all because that assbag Jon Kitna has convinced people that I care about football. Why am I supposed to give two shits about the outcome of NFL games? The only thing the NFL is good for is helping me figure out which people have no shot at Heaven. Oh, speaking of, what's the latest on Mike Vick?

St. Peter: Sentencing in December; still on the "get anally fisted in Hell" list. But, that's not why I showed you this, though. It appears that this blogger, a "Matt Campbell," decided that you were ignoring his prayers, so he began offering the same to some Hindu god.

God: WHAT?! Jesus Christ!

Jesus: (jumping up) Yeah, dad?!

God: It's just an expression; sit down. (turns back to Peter) A Hindu god, huh? How did that work out for him?

St. Peter: Well, that's just it. He prayed that a "Petey Faggins" would be removed from the starting lineup and, sure enough, it happened! I guess I don't have to tell you that this has caused a few whispers among the living.

God: Fuck no, you don't need to tell me! I'm omnipotent, asshole!

Job: Then how did you not already know about this?

God: Better question, smart guy--why are you going to walk with a limp for eternity? (smites Job's knee) Talk to me, Peter. What do I need to do?

St. Peter: That's the good news. The Texans are playing the Saints this weekend and, were you to see fit to injure a certain running back, I think you'd re-convert some of the doubters. You just have to tweak his knee a little bit, maybe give him a tor--

God: I'm on it. (smites Ahman Green, rendering him inactive for Sunday's game)

St. Peter: NO!!!! Dude, I meant Reggie Bush!!!

God: Reggie Bush?!? Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter? I LOVE that kid! Don't you watch ESPN? I'd sooner smite the Savior of mankind over there before I'd hurt Reggie! That's my DAWG, yo!

St. Peter: But, if he's your favorite, why is he only averaging 3.7 yard per carry for his career? What gives?

God: Dude, even my powers have limits.

Labels: Batman, Blasphemy, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Fake Conversations with Biblical Characters, Injury bug, National Media, Reggie Bush, Reservoir Dogs, Tempting Fate, Too far?

Posted by Matt at 1:17 PM | Permalink | links to this post

So, lost in the smart-ass posts and fake press conferences of the past few days is the fact that we have a rather interesting and important game this weekend. I would apologize, but I do this for free, so go to hell.

Anyway...yeah. I suppose my thoughts on Reggie Bush are pretty well-documented. (Short version: he's an overrated, glorified punt returner who will never be anything more than an average RB. Also, I don't think he was born of the Virgin Mary and became man, as some people at ESPN seem to suggest.) So there's no need to get into that again.

The one question on every Texans fan's mind, however, is whether our secondary is going to resemble Onyx's "Slam" video. Because, on paper, it's kind of worrisome. You have a cornerback who was deemed expendable and moved to safety in the preseason, a rookie cornerback who was not supposed to be a starter this year, a free safety who was your strong safety until TWO free safeties went down, and a strong safety who was unceremoniously kicked to the curb in NY earlier this year. Stellar.

So, yeah, in a vacuum, it looks like a recipe for disaster. Unless you realize one little thing--none of those descriptions are about Petey Faggins. That alone is worth a couple extra defended passes per game.

In the comments to this post, Stephanie--in addition to accusing me of being the Jinxmaster, which is a kickass title--points out that neither Von Hutchins nor Fred Bennett was able to beat out Faggins in the preseason. This, she reasons, is cause for concern, because if they weren't better than Faggins then, why would they be better now?

I would agree, except I think the underlying premise is flawed. Severely flawed, actually. Going into camp, Kubiak was pretty clear that Faggins was "the guy" and that he would be starting against Kansas City. Short of Petey getting arrested on a Fred Smoot sex cruise with a 12-year-old boy and three pounds of Peruvian flake hidden up his ass, no one was going to beat him out. Consider:

Player A--3 Games, 6 Tackles, 0 INTs, 0 Pass Def.
Player B--4 Games, 9 Tackles, 1 INT, 1 Pass Def.
Player C--4 Games, 8 Tackles, 1 INT, 1 Pass Def.

Now, if there really was an open competition in the preseason, is there any way that Player A wins it? Of course not. But Player A is (obviously) Petey Faggins, B is Von Hutchins, an C is Fred Bennett.

I am not saying that this cobbled-together defensive backfield is not a cause for concern; it definitely is. What I am saying is that the lack of Petey Faggins makes is LESS of a concern, not more. Both cornerbacks were better than Faggins in the preseason. More importantly, neither of them made opposing QBs' eyes light up when they stepped on the field and neither of them was so brutally bad in the early going that people were emailing me about how they should be taken out behind the Astrodome and shot.

There are plenty of reasons to worry about the secondary--Bennett is inexperienced, Hutchins might not be fast enough, Will Demps might start hitting on C.C. Brown, etc.--but the fact that neither of the corners could beat Faggins 3 months ago is not one of them.

Labels: 2007 Season, Demarcus Faggins sucks, Injury bug, Secondary issues are primary, The Fred, Von, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Posted by Matt at 7:37 AM | Permalink | links to this post

I suppose it is a sign of how many injuries you've had in your defensive secondary when you start signing guys the same week they were cut by other teams. In that vein, your Houston Texas signed Curome Cox yesterday, less than a week after Cox was released by the Broncos.

I have to be honest; Twenty-four hours ago, I had no idea who Curome Cox was. But, as is usually my wont, I decided to find out for you, the reader. That's the kind of nice guy I am. So, I present "Ten Five Things You Probably Didn't Know About Curome Cox."

1. Cox was an honorable mention All-ACC selection his senior year at Maryland. He finished the season sixth in the conference with 10 passes defensed per game, and also made 40 tackles (32 solo).
2. A cornerback by trade, he primarily played safety in Denver.
3. He was not invited to the 2004 NFL Combine, but was decent enough in college that Scouts, Inc., considered his a "notable omission" and 2004 Previews listed him as a "key loss" for the Terps.
4. He ran a 4.52 and did 19 reps at Maryland's pro day workouts.
5. Holds two Chick-Fil-A Bowl records (though both were set on the same play).
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Labels: Free Agency, Injury bug, Secondary issues are primary, Who?

Posted by Matt at 10:03 AM | Permalink | links to this post

2007 Season (8 Games)
1112 Yards Passing (Single-game high of 257 yards...on 41 attempts), 4 TD, 10 INT
217 Yards Rushing (Single-game high of 53 yards), 2 TD, 5 Fumbles

Labels: 2007 Season, Inanity, Stats, Teams that aren't the Texans, Vinsanity

Posted by Matt at 5:14 PM | Permalink | links to this post

7 carries for 17 yards, TD, 5 catches for 27 yards, all coming against the VAUNTED Rams defense.

Labels: 2007 Season, Inanity, Reggie Bush, Stats, Teams that aren't the Texans

Posted by Matt at 5:12 PM | Permalink | links to this post

Reader Andy passed along this link which features a blurb about Von Hutchins being moved back to corner from safety due to the injury of one Willie Dunta Robinson. I am going to go ahead and assume that losing one's starting job thrice in a season ( if you include him being moved on passing downs) means that said loser is unlikely to be in the longterm plans at CB2.

I'm also going to go ahead and consider this the first Christmas gift of the year.

UPDATE: You know what? No. No, I cannot let this story go by with just a little pithy comment. Not after the hundreds upon hundreds of words that I have spent over the last six months on the Suckiness of Petey Faggins.

First, in case anyone failed to notice, Tim predicted (or suggested or whatever) this move as soon as God flipped me off and hurt Dunta. Proving, yet again, that it should not be so goddamned hard to find competent front-office people in the NFL.

Which actully dovetails into the bigger point I wanted to make. Namely, that my dumb ass has been screaming since the inception of this blog about how bad Faggins is (pre-blog, actually, but I have no visual proof of that), yet it took the Texans' cognoscenti OTAs, training camp, and multiple shitty games--including games where you could pin the majority of the blame for the loss on him--before they could see what we already knew.

How is this possible? How is it that people who, given the chance, would explain to us how they understand football in ways we never will could themselves be so clueless about something so obvious? I understand the desire for them to give him the benefit of the doubt. I even understand not selling him out to the media after the Panthers game. But I do not, cannot, and will not pretend to understand how they could keep rolling out one of the worst starters in the NFL week after week.

And that is exactly what they are admitting with a move like this one with Hutchins. They are saying that Petey is so bad as a starting corner that even a season-ending injury is not enough to move him up the depth chart; that they would rather un-convert a CB-cum-safety than let Petey stink up the joint as a starter. To which I can only say, "duh" and "thank god," respectively.

I guess what I am looking for is some sort of mea culpa from the front office or even from Kubiak himself. I just want a little "ok, my bad...Faggins is just not capable of doing this and we are sorry we pretended otherwise, but, look, we're doing something to fix it." I know I will never get this, though, so I suppose this Hutchins thing will just have to do.

If Faggins is on the opening day roster in 2008, though, I reserve the right to have someone killed.

Labels: Demarcus Faggins sucks, Dunta Robinson, Injury bug, Secondary issues are primary, Von, Will Demps makes love to the...ladies?

Posted by Matt at 4:10 PM | Permalink | links to this post

HPD Chief Harold Hurtt: Thank you all for coming. As I'm sure you all have heard, Fred Weary has filed a suit against the City of Houston as well as the two officers who arrested him last year. Because the liberal media is sure to give Fred all the air time he desires to discuss he baseless accusations, I called this press conference to allow officers Margaret T. McGivern and Joe F. Vasquez an opportunity to present the real story. We will begin by opening the floor to questions.

Reporter 1: Officer Vasquez, you stated that Mr. Weary was driving "suspiciously." Could you elaborate on that?

Vasquez: Well, Miss, he appeared to be Driving While Black, which, as you know, is a not-infrequent crime here in Houston. Also, he did not have a front plate on his vehicle, which I suspected to be some sort of sign to potential drug buyers that Mr. Weary was dealing crack.

Reporter 2: But was there even a need for the tasering? Mr. Weary alleges that it was unnecessary and unprovoked.

McGivern: With all due respect, ma'am, I think you lack a frame of reference here. Mr. Weary is roughly seven feet tall and close to 400 pounds. He is also black. VERY black. Standard operating procedure dictates that such a perp--that's a technical term--should be tasered on sight.

Reporter 3: Officer Vasquez, I would like to play a portion of the audio from the dash-mounted camera on your patrol car and get your response to it.

Fred Weary: Did I do something wrong, officer?
Vasquez: GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING CAR!
Weary: Excuse me?
McGivern: YOU HEARD HIM, SHITFUCKER. GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CAR RIGHT NOW!! I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU!!!
Vasquez: SHE WILL! OH MY GOD, SHE WILL SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKING NECK, YOU CRACKDEALER!
Weary: Chill, dude. Chill. *sounds of car door opening*
Vasquez: GET ON THE GROUND! GET ON THE GROUND NOW! YOU ARE A LARGE, BLACK MAN, SO GET ON THE DAMNED GROUND NOW!
Weary: Wha?
McGivern: LOOK OUT, I THINK HE HAS AN AK-47 IN HIS FRONT POCKET!!
Vasquez: HOLY SHIT, HE JUST MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME. TAZE HIM! TAZE HIM!!!! *sounds of taser firing*
Weary: OW! FUCK FUCK FUCK OW!

Reporter 3: Now, upon hearing that, can you see how one might assume you overreacted?

Vasquez: Not at all. I think it is pretty clear that we were responding to both the possibility that the black man had a weapon, which most of them do, as well as the intimidating posture he was taking with me.

Reporter 2: You mean "eye contact?"

McGivern: Precisely. Also, because he was in the vicinity of the Galleria, we were afraid that some affluent white people could potentially be caught in the cross-fire if he began shooting with the weapon that we assumed he could possibly have had. It is our responsibility as peace officers to prevent such collateral damage from happening whenever possible.

Reporter 4: Chief Hurtt, does all of this sound reasonable to you? Because to the layperson, it sounds an awful lot like Mr. Weary was stopped, tasered, and arrested because he was black.

Hurtt: I am not going to dignify such a patently offensive accusation with a response. Next question.

Reporter 3: Going back to the audio excerpt for a moment, one of you stated that he possibly had "an AK-47 in his front pocket." Is that even possible?

Vasquez: Of course it's possible. He is very tall. Also, he's black.

Reporter 4: So, in the end, what do you think will happen with this case?

McGivern: This is Texas. So, I assume he'll get the chair. Though it would be a lot more certain if he were retarded.

Reporter 2: How will he get the chair for suing you?

Vasquez: We will just have to leave that up to the Texas justice system. Thank you all for coming. And GO COWBOYS!!!

Labels: Fake Conversations with Real People, Fred Weary is dirty, Fuck the Cowboys, HPD

Posted by Matt at 1:59 PM | Permalink | links to this post