After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he's in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he's playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks.
So, new rule at DGDB&D (which, I believe, is our first and only rule): Excuses and/or praise for Faggins are verboten. Seriously.
I wanted to get this up before the game starts so it doesn't seem like anything other than what it is.
With the Saints on a bye this weekend, the crown of "Most Overrated Player in the NFL" fits squarely on the head of Falcons CB DeAngelo Hall. Of course, ridiculous columns like this one don't help.
Perhaps the only other cornerback consistently mentioned as one of the top players currently at the position is Champ Bailey. Both Hall and Bailey have tremendous speed which allows them to cover a lot of ground, but they also tackle very well. While Hall may be thrilled to be mentioned on the same level as Bailey, he's still aiming to become the outright best corner ever.
I don't even know where to begin. How about the idea that Nnamdi Asomugha is widely considered the best or second-best corner in the league by anyone with an ounce of sense? Seriously, the ONLY people who sincerely believe that Hall is one of the best corners in the game are Hall and a handful of myopic sports writers. Thankfully, and despite the constant crowing by Hall, the stats don't bear out the claim that he is anything special.
Consider: Hall (165 tackles, 13 INT, 22 PD, 2 FF, 3 TD, 0.5 sack) is not even the best of the first round corners taken alongside him. Dunta Robinson (267 tackles, 11 INT, 35 PD, 5 FF, 1 TD, 4 sacks) and Chris Gamble (215 tackles, 16 INT, 22 PD, 2 FF, 2 TD, 1 sack) are both arguably as good or better than Hall, yet no one is trying to say that either of them is best in the league.
"But wait," cry the Falcons fans, "teams AVOID throwing at D-Hall because they are afraid of him because he's so good."
Um...
Dunta Robinson--targeted 80 times last season. DeAngelo Hall--targeted 87 times season. (Chris Gamble was not among the 20 most-targeted)
So, in a season when Dunta was playing across from a host of random fill-ins and a hobbled Petey effin' Faggins, teams threw at him less than they threw at DeAngelo. Also, the Texans were thrown at a total of 505 times last year... and teams chucked at the Falcons 515 times, so you can't use the "teams threw at the Falcons a LOT more, so that's why DeAngelo had more targets" defense, either.
What about the idea that he shuts down great receivers? Well, he had a good game against Smith last week (until Hall opened his mouth), so there's that. But, what's that saying? Even a blind fat chick finds a pie every now and then. How did he fare against big name receivers in 2006?
Marques Colston--7 catches for 97 yards. Hall had one tackle. Advantage: Colston Larry Fitzgerald--4 for 71. Hall had INT TD. Advantage: Hall Hines Ward--8 for 171, 3 TD. Hall had 3 tackles. Advantage: Ward Chad Johnson--6 for 78, TD. Hall had 2 solo and 3 assisted tackles. Advantage: Johnson Roy Williams--6 for 138, TD. Hall had 3 tackles. Advantage: Williams Santana Moss--7 for 123, TD. Hall had 2 tackles. Advantage: Moss Terrell Owens--5 for 69, 2 TD. Hall had 8 tackles. Advantage: Owens
Wow. Amazing.
*cough*
He did manage to hold his own against Braylon Edwards (3 for 31, TD) last year, so he's got that going for him. Then again, Braylon still found the endzone, so maybe that wasn't a total win. And the immortal Hank Baskett lit him up for 7 catches, 177 yards, and a TD. Not surprisingly, 2005 wasn't much better for Hall, either, as he got lit up by Terrell Owens, Steve Smith twice, Darrell Jackson, Donald Driver, and Laveranues Coles. Plus, let's not forget the "I own 85" shaved into DeAngelo's head before the preseason game against the Bengals, wherein Chad made Hall into a SportsCenter punchline.
Someone help me out here. WHY is Hall ever talked about in the same sentence as "best corner" unless the words "unequivocally not" are also involved? Because, to my mind, about the ONLY way you can make an argument for Hall being one of the best is if you use a bunch of quotes from DeAngelo Hall.
Am I the best complete corner in the game? Yeah. I don't get beat for touchdowns which always gives us a chance to win. I make tackles when I have to. So I definitely think I'm the most complete corner in the game.
Please--and I think I speak for everyone, here, including Falcons fans--shut up.
I've been anything but subtle about my feelings for Petey Faggins as a starting second cornerback, so I debated whether to even comment on the latest Chron article regarding him. I mean, I've slowly come to the realization that I am preaching to the choir here.
Besides, the article is hardly ground-breaking; most of it says exactly what you'd think it would. He's a hard worker. He tries not worry about what people say about him. Dunta likes him. The coaches like him. Blah blah blah.
There are some parts, however, that deserve a response.
[regarding Faggins' performance against Harrison] Hoke said, "He didn't get in the end zone all afternoon or go over 100 yards (gaining 53). I'd call that a 'win' for Petey."
The next person who uses that excuse is getting a turd in the mail. Seriously. First of all, Faggins did not only cover Harrison. Sure, Marvin was his primary guy for the afternoon, but Faggins also gave up catches to Wayne and Gonzalez at different points. If we are counting total yards he allowed, those need to be figured in. Second, in Marvin's 53 yards was a pretty huge catch for a first down when the team absolutely, positively needed a stop and Petey was playing too far off (more on that in a minute). Third, and this is most important, while Marvin may have not gotten in the endzone, Petey was out of position and/or missed the tackle on BOTH Joseph Addai TD runs. BOTH OF THEM. So, no, Harrison didn't score, but Petey didn't exactly prevent TDs when he had the chance.
Asked why Faggins frequently appears to give the receiver excessive wiggle room, Hoke answered, "Some of it is by design." But he also conceded, "There were plays (against the Colts) where we were playing zone technique and he kind of carried it over to man coverage. So, yes, in those situations, he got too far off."
And it didn't occur to anyone to mention to Petey that he was playing too far off in man coverage for nearly the entire game? No one noticed this until after the fact? Or was he told and he just didn't listen? Telling us that, yeah, he screwed up, does not really answer the questions when he was continually screwing up. Or was the only play where it wasn't "by design" the one catch by Harrison that basically ended our chances of winning the game? And why the hell is "too much wiggle room" part of the design (other than "because he can't play man coverage without it")? These are all legitimate questions that no one with access seems to be asking.
Faggins tends to suffer by comparison with Robinson, a former first-round draft choice who may be on the cusp of becoming a Pro Bowl-caliber corner. Most teams shy away from attacking Robinson, opting to pick on Faggins instead.
Actually, Faggins suffers by comparison to pretty much ANY starting corner. And don't give me the "teams avoid Dunta" spiel, please. Dunta was the 13th most frequently targeted DB in the league last year (84 times). Now, considering Faggins was out much of last year with an injury, wouldn't it stand to reason that the guy replacing Petey would be targeted at least as much as Faggins, if not more (because, after all, he's backing up a starter, so he has to be worse, right)? Stupid facts getting in the way of nice, cushy excuses.
Hoke, however, doesn't see as much failure there as others might, noting how one of Smith's TDs, on a ball Faggins' had tipped, was the kind of play All-Pros are wont to make. "Petey thought he'd tipped the ball away," Hoke said, "but then Smith comes around behind him and finds a way to make the catch. Bad luck. Not everyone could have done that."
Fair enough--not everyone could have found the ball and caught it. Spare me the "he tipped it" crap, though. Look at the replay and you will see that the ball hit Petey in the head and bounced away. It hit him in the head because he was late turning back to the ball. Had he turned back in time, Petey could have easily (one assumes) knocked the ball down and averted the TD.
I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall here. I can see he's not good. Most of you can see he's not good. The opposing teams CERTAINLY see he's not good. The stats bear out that he's not good and that his fall-back excuse of "targeted more" is crap. Yet, all we hear is that he is better than our alternatives. But, considering that we haven't exactly tried Fletcher over there (or signed a free agent), how the hell would we even know if that is true? Forgive me, but I don't buy into the "because the coaching staff says so" reasoning.
So, my only question is, when Joey Harrington is going after Faggins and finding success, what excuses will we get then?
EDIT: I should also point out that in no way do I enjoy seeing Petey fail. If he steps up this weekend and dominates, I will certainly not think "well, crap!" If anything, I would like to see him step up his game and establish himself as a true CB. I am just not going to hold my breath waiting for it to happen.
I got so wrapped up in the weekly prediction post (which, by the way, are quickly becoming my favorite things to write) that I forgot to mention the team added TE/LS/ST Joel Dreessen and WR David Anderson to the active roster.
Now, while I was hoping for Charlie Adams because he's 6-2 and relatively fast, I suppose David is a solid enough addition for the short term. He had one catch last year (27 yards) and 3 kick returns (30 yard average), along with three catches and on TD in the preseason. Of course, he's also a 5-10 /196 white guy with a 4.53 40. Which is another way of saying make sure you temper your expectations accordingly.
Dreessen, aside from having bizarre back-to-back double letters in his last name, theoretically takes the place of Cedric Killings as a widebody who can run well enough to play special teams. He is also a long-snapper, which will be handy if Bryan Pittman and Jeff Zgonina die unexpectedly.
Just like a lot of people, I assumed that part of the roster additions this week would address the horrific running game that Jameel Cook and Sam Gado proffered last week. The theory is that Ron Dayne is going to be able to carry the load this week (and it's not like the Falcons run D is much on tackling), which would make RB less of a priority. Unless he can't. In which case we will either see Cook resume getting the bulk of the carries over Gado, which will make me scream at the TV, or see Gado assume the role of primary back, which will likely make me scream at the TV. Whither Wali Lundy?
Random tangent: Part of the non-Lundy stuff I've read this week has said he's "slow." Lundy, of course, ran a 4.43 at the combine. Gado ran a 4.68. If Wali is slow, Gado is best described as glacial.
I have a great idea! I'll get an average looking chick with a 73 IQ to make videos with me!!!
Well, isn't this interesting? It seems that John McClain, Anna-Megan Raley, and two or three other Chron people have done a song parody, "Big Bad Schaub" (to the tune, obviously, of Jimmy Dean's "Big Bad John.")
Hmm. I could swear that I've recent seen song parodies somewhere else. Where was that? Oh wait...that's right! I did them under the heading of Idiot Karaoke! And, if you've been reading this site for more than two weeks--in which case, you should know that Homeland Security is likely watching you--you probably noticed the "coincidence," too.
Am I saying they stole my idea? No, not directly. I am suggesting it as a possibility, however, because I think it's curious that just over two weeks after my first parodies of old country songs, the video maven and his vapid lap dog decided to do a parody of an old country song.
Could it really be a coincidence? Possibly. But, when you consider that in their hours of videos, they have never--to my knowledge, at least--done a song parody of any kind, it seems a little more than coincidental. When you combine this with the fact that BRB and Fanhouse linked to the original parody, "I Blame The Line," and that the post received a good reaction from pretty much everyone, I think I have to call shenanigans.
To be fair, as Stephanie pointed out in an email to me, Chance McClain is an actual musician of some sort and has written songs about the Texans. Fair enough. In my mind, however, that makes my accusation even more likely--if McClain has access to a musician, why did it never enter his mind to do a parody song about a player until right after I did it?
As I see it, there are two possibilities. First, McClain and Anna-Tard put their heads together, sorted through the insipid spew that Anna-Megan likely offers, and totally independent of this blog decided to parody a--something they'd never done before--and it just happened to be both an old country song and soon after I had done that exact thing. Possible, I guess. Second, one or both of them saw my parody and thought it would be fun to do the same, so they enlisted the help of Chance McClain.
Think I am paranoid and crazy? Maybe, but look at it this way--if Tim or Scott or Stephanie or Texans Gab or Texans Tailgate started doing parodies of old country songs about players, it would not be a stretch to say that they stole the idea from here. Why should McClain and the Chron people get a free pass from suspicion just because he whores himself out on video with regularity? Occam's Razor, bitches.
So, do I care? Only a little. I like the people at the Chron in general. (After all, they did link to my edited mirror of this blog and put it on their main Texans page. That was cool.) At the same time, I have heard from a couple different emailers that some of the Chron writers have talked some smack about this blog being "not funny," "rude," and/or just written "to get a response." OK, so maybe the first two accusations are true, at least to some people. But the third? Blow me. I am nothing if not transparent here--I sign my name to everything, I cite sources on nearly every story I write, and I don't write anything I don't believe myself (though, in cases like the "we should sign Simeon Rice" post, I was drunk at the time). So, to the extent that some of these people have taken exception to what I am doing here, I take exception to the idea that someone would so blatantly steal an idea. A little recognition, like a fucking hat tip or a "we saw this here and thought it would be fun to do one," is not asking too much.
[Final side-note: I know that McClain and his posse did a remake of "The Night Before Christmas" last December. I do not consider that as evidence that they didn't rip DGDB&D off because (a) that's a fucking poem and (b) it's not a classic country song.]
UPDATE: Paul mentions that McClain has been talking about this song for "weeks" on 610. If his idea predates 9/14, then I fully admit that I am wrong. (About the song; I stand by the idea that Anna-Megan is less-than-adequate at best.) Of course, he might have also stole it from an 80s Oilers record, but whatever. Anyone know when he first mentioned it?
SECOND UPDATE: So, it seems, I jumped the gun on this. Fair enough. I am man enough to admit when I am wrong.
Because I am nothing if not slightly OCD and because my work schedule is such that I spend hours on the internet doing nothing, I frequently check the SiteMeter to see how people are getting here. Generally, it's from links or from bookmarks or even from Google searches for things like "Reggie Bush overrated" or "Filipino tranny porn."
Yesterday, however, I saw that someone got here by searching for "Results of nose piercings good and bad things that could happen." Huh? I have no idea how you got here with that search, but allow me to help you reach an informed decision. The list of good things that can happen is pretty short. It reads, "You get your nose pierced and it does not get infected." The end. The list of bad things, however, is noticeably longer. It includes everything from "hepatitis" to "being rejected by potential employers" to "getting it caught on a zipper as you seek affection from other men to compensate for the love daddy never showed you." Bad times all around. So, long story short, I would advise against the nose ring and would instead suggest a tattoo of your current boyfriend's name. Because we all {heart} Brad.
Last week: 10-6 Season: 30-17
Week 4 Picks
Byes: Tennessee, New Orleans, Washington, Jacksonville
JUGGERNAUT @ Atlanta. OK, you're a dude. (Female readers, just try to imagine.) Now, imagine that you've been seeing this girl off and on for a couple years, but you feel like she is just stringing you along. You know that she's also been dating a guy who is all wrong for her and she's even gone so far as to cut certain friends out of her life if he didn't like them. You still like her. You still say all the right things and go through all the motions because you think you want to be in a more serious relationship with her at some point. Then, one day, she basically tells you she doesn't want to see you anymore because she is so completely smitten with the other guy and she can't have you around making things difficult. Now, I ask you, once that ne'er-do-well boyfriend predictably winds up in prison on federal conspiracy charges, what would you do? Obviously, you'd meet up with her one last time, grudge-fuck the ever-loving shit out of her, then laugh as you went out the door. Yeah. Exactly. Pick: Schaub
New York Jets @ Buffalo. Ah, the AFC East. Where five wins will likely net you second place. Good times. The game itself is not worth betting on, but Vegas has set the odds that Lee Evans snaps and beats someone to death in the lockerroom at 1:3. Pick: New York
Baltimore @ Cleveland. The real Browns against the new Browns. Why is Cleveland the only city who considers the expansion team that took the place of the departed franchise a continuation of the old franchise? How does this make sense? I mean, if the Ramseys suddenly adopted a 15 year old girl, we wouldn't consider her a continuation of Jon Benet, would we? No; we'd just call her "Patty Ramsey's next murder victim." And murder, ironically enough, gives me a nice segue into what the Ravens are going to do to the Browns. Pick: Baltimore
St. Louis @ Dallas. Stephen Jackson is out for at least a week with a torn groin. Go ahead, try to come up with a more uncomfortable pairing of words than "torn groin." That's right up there with "fecal impaction," "octogenarian porn," and "I'm late." Speaking of fecal impaction, have you seen the Rams play this year? Pick: Dallas
Chicago @ Detroit. There is a good chance that the only person in America happier than I am about Brian Griese (my favorite Michigan QB of all time) taking over is Brian Griese himself. Of course, really close behind me are a couple million Bears fans and pretty much everyone associated with the organization, aside from The Sex Cannon. Assuming Griese doesn't trip over his dog on his way to the airport, Brian makes the Bears relevant again. Pick: Chicago
Green Bay @ Minnesota. The resurgence of Brett Favre transports us back to the halcyon days of the mid-90s, when Boyz II Men ruled the airwaves, Pulp Fiction was all the rage, and Brett was popping more pain pills than a burn victim with two broken legs. Those were the salad days. We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. Now, less than fifteen years later, you can go up on grain silo in Wisconsin and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark--that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. Pick: Green Bay
Seattle @ San Francisco. Overly-caffeinated yuppies travel south to take on stinky, granola-munching hippies. Starbucks and patchouli. Space Needle and Haight Ashbury. World's are colliding! George is getting upset! Pick: Seattle
Tampa Bay @ Carolina. Dateline, September 23, 2007. "So, yeah, you just have to blow dry it, then spray on some leave-in cond-- hold on. "What's that, coach? In? In where? THIS game? Crap. "[to self] OK, David, get it together. You can do this. Hand towel? Check. Fabulous white gloves? "Check. Breath? Minty fresh. Let's roll. *runs toward the field* "[to Fox] What? Oh, yeah. *grabs helmet*" Pick: Tampa Bay
Denver @ Indianapolis. From Liston's week 3 recap: Peyton Manning has the biggest head I have ever seen in my life. His forehead is at least a foot in height if it's an inch. He resembled one of those super strong retards from high school. It was really creeping me out. [...] It's like straight out of the movie The Hills Have Eyes. Remember when you were little and would walk to the convenience store to get a pickle and they would be on the counter in that gigantic pickle jar? Yeah, that's how big his head is. It's like a gigantic pickle jar with some hair sprinkled on top. How can Jay Cutler compete with that? Pick: Indy
Pittsburgh @ Arizona. Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart are the Odd Couple of the NFL. Warner, the bible thumper, prefers Corinthians over chlamydia and would therefore never be seen cavorting around LA nightclubs with Paris Hilton. Leinart, on the other hand, eschews chicks with dicks and would therefore never be seen with Brenda Warner. Pick: Pittsburgh
Kansas City @ San Diego. These teams are eerily similar. Both feature amazingly overrated coaches, QBs who seem uncomfortable doing anything other than handing off, superstar RBs who have yet to do anything positive this year, All-Pro TEs who double as their teams' best receivers, and zero need to make playoff travel arrangements. In fact, the only difference I can see is that one of the coaches is black and the other is white with a faux popcorn finish. Pick: San Diego
Philadelphia @ New York Giants. Last year, both of these teams made the playoffs. This year, the loser of this game finds itself in last place in the conference. Parity, bitches! Pick: Philly
New England @ Cincinnati. Here's what I know: The Bengals rank 29th in points allowed and in yards allowed. The Patriots rank second in points scored, first in yards per game, and first in likelihood of decimating teams with suspect defenses. Also, if someone can explain to me why the Bengals are projected to score 25 (the over/under is 57.5, but Indy is only giving 7.5 points), I'll give you a cookie. The editors of DGDB&D reserve the right to replace the cookie with a prize of equal or lesser value. Pick: New England
Unfortunately, it looks like some of those injuries are going to be for longer than just the upcoming beatdown of the Falcons. Andre Johnson is expected to miss "at least two more weeks" according to HoustonProFootball.com. Jacoby Jones is out at least that long as well according to pretty much every source. Obviously, McKinney is done for the year with the blown ACL, as is Killings with a fractured neck. Good lord.
Of these, obviously Andre Johnson is the most important. That is hardly news. Now, I am not a physical therapist (though I have said I was as a pickup line before), but I have sprained a knee, and getting that flexibility back after the brace comes off can be a bitch--the tendons feel all tight and weird and you keep thinking it is going to explode if you bend it. Long story short, if he is ready to go in two weeks, AJ is a bad motorscooter.
In happier news, Ron Dayne managed to dislodge the immigrant family he accidentally swallowed, so he should be good to go this week. Also, according to Ahman Green, Batman is fine and just needs the swelling to go down, though Kubiak wasn't quite so sure. Breaking the tie, for now at least, KFFL says that Megan Manfull says that she heard from Tommy who sits next to Becky in Biology that Green will play. Of course, we all know Becky is a lying slut, so take that with a grain of salt.
The best news from the M*A*S*H unit is that Andre Davis is going to play, despite dislocating his finger last week. After that leaping sideline grab last week, I became a fan of Apostrophe. Hell, I would Friendster the guy if I had any clue what the hell that meant. Stupid kids with their stupid hip slang. In my day, "bad" meant "good," and that's how it was supposed to be!
It's Vince v. Reggie (and hopefully, if you are a Saints fan, some good players, too) in their first matchup since VY tore USC's collective heart out and showed it to them before they died. Of course, this came on the bowl game heels of Young doing the same thing to Michigan in the Rose Bowl. So, as far as Vince goes, I have to grudgingly give him the respect a winner deserves; but I ain't giving Reggie shit.
Anywho...I think I'll liveblog this mother. For a while, anyway.
7:34--Tony Kornheiser explains that the impact of the Saints' resurgence last year was not just a local story, but a national one. He can't be right, though, because I don't recall hearing ANY parallels made between the Saints success and the post-Katrina rebuilding effort. Tony's a liar.
7:39--Spike Lee just welcomed me to N'awlins. And now he's praising the Saints as "damn good." Spike really has nothing to do now that Reggie Miller retired, does he?
7:41--I'll give Saints fans this--they are as hyped as you can possibly be for an 0-2 team. Kickoff goes for a touchback. THERE'S VINCE YOUNG, OMG!!!!!
7:42--Young to Bo Scaife for 20 on the first play of the game. Vince might have the ugliest throwing motion this side of Rich Gannon, but Christ that's a cannon.
7:44--Young to Roydell Williams for another first. Two straight passes. I give Jeff Fisher credit for saying "fuck you, ESPN announcers who will obviously be talking about our running game in the intro."
7:46--Young just introduced the Titans (before completing his fourth straight pass). I learned that Titans players have nicknames such as "Shrek" (Scaife) and "Fat Fuck" (White).
7:47--Scott Fujita introduces the team, but I am too busy wondering why he doesn't look more Asian to listen.
7:50--Michelle Tafoya is talking, so this seems like a good chance to mention that the wife is unreceptive to the idea of naming our forthcoming child "DeMeco."
7:51--3rd & 21...fumbled snap, Vince dropped for a loss of roughly 84. Will Smith got jiggy as hell on that play. (I'm sorry.)
7:54--...And the Saints take the field. Can't you smell the excitement? Eric Metcalf, Jr., gets 2 on an end-around (not a reverse, Tirico, you shit-eating fuck). Wow.
7:56--Pressure, Incomplete Pass, Three-and-out for YOUR N'awlins Saints. At least they made sure the world's Greatest Weapon touched the ball on that possession.
7:58--Great punt return negated by holding and a personal foul. Call me old school, but I am of the opinion that your punt returner should not be run down by five or six members of the opposing team once he has an angle. Crazy, I know.
8:01--Young throws on the run and it's nearly picked of by the curiously named Usama Young. Might just want to go by your middle name, dude. I'm just saying... you ARE playing in the South.
8:02--LenDale White makes Ron Dayne look like Kate Moss circa 1995. And I am pretty sure he's using a Hostess cupcake as a mouthpiece.
8:04--Tennessee is moving the ball however they damn well please. The Saints defense must've left with some FEMA trailers.
8:06--FG after two VY incompletions on overthrown balls. The good news is the first quarter is moving right along. The bad news is there are still three to go. Aside from one amazing Vince run, this is like watching a Big Sky conference game.
8:09--SuperDuper Reggie is on the kick return team. as an up man. Fake handoff to Bush around the 10. Anyone who didn't see that coming, please raise your hand so you can be prevented from procreating.
8:13--Drew Brees just referred to Bush as "the human highlight reel" in the intros. First, that's Dominique Wilkins' nickname you uncreative twat. Second, here is my favorite highlight on the reel.
8:14--Really crappy pass on 4th & 1. Three-and-out. This is like that movie... with Bill Murray... where everything was the same...
8:16--First quarter ends on a LenDale rush. By the way, did you realize that White got the last seven rushes by a USC back in the national championship loss? Or that Bush touched the ball less than 20 times combined (receptions and rushes)?
8:20--Scaife runs a two-yard route on 3rd & 3. S-m-r-t. Chris Brown is able to convert on 4th, though, so maybe it was all a ruse by Fisher. He's crafty.
8:21--Flea flicker! It doesn't work, but, man, I love that play. And reader Will points out that we should try the same play at some point, considering we do almost nothing--oh, TD Tennessee, making it 10-0...Saints suck--tricky. An apparent hand-off to Leach with Jacoby flying down the sideline... I've said too much already.
8:26--Holy hell, was that an Eminem song that played us to commercial break? Roger Goodell does not approve!
8:28--Reggie Bush alone in the backfield...catches the dump pass for a loss of four or so. Can you actually see my smile as I type this? Colston makes up for it with a first down grab on the next play. Which would be their FIRST first down. Jaws says the have "giddyup in their step," and I'll take his word for it.
8:31--Brees is picked off by the underrated Keith Bulluck. Odds that Drew is praying for a levee failure right about now?
8:32--And the kindly Mr. Young throws it right back to the Saints. Seriously, this game sucks.
8:38--Three plays: Dropped 2-yard pass to McAllister. Throwback across the field to McAllister for one yard. Incomplete pass over the middle. So, I ask you: how in the world was this the best offense in football last year? I really, truly do not understand.
8:42--White pushes the pile like he's fighting his way to the front of the Denny's buffet. "I want those eggs, bitch! Get out my way, bitch!!"
8:44--3rd & 2...Vince underthrows his WR. Welcome to Puntsville, population YOU.
8:45--Bad decision by the punt returner, who eschews the fair catch and much prefers getting the shit knocked out of him by Michael Griffin. And, because of a penalty, the Titans will rekick...WITH REGGIE BACK FOR THE PUNT!!! OMG!!! CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?!?!?! I JUST CAME!!!!
8:46--Seven yard return by God's Chosen Running Back. Cock tease.
8:48--McAllister in the lockerroom for x-rays, meaning THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD is in at RB. Oh, he just got tackled for a loss on that handoff. 2 rushes for 3 yards so far. Wowza.
8:49--Big pass from Brees to Colston, who gets down almost to the 25. Might want to do more good stuff like that.
8:50--Or just get a three-yard pass to the TE. Shine on.
8:52--Super Jesus gets 6 on the carry, totally absolving all of humanity of their sins.
8:53--Tony K is questioning whether Bush is overrated as an RB. And Jaws agrees. I feel woozy. I though this was ESPN. Where am I?
8:54--Aaron Stecker in at RB, so Bush can be a WR. Stecker gets the first down, but it was probably because of Reggie's amazing presence on the field. Super Jesus decoys all!!! (Yes, I am getting loopy. Wine and prescription drugs will do that. But even in my inebriated state, I can see greatness, damn it.)
8:56--Lance Moore just pulled in the best four-yard sideline catch you'll ever see. Go Toledo Rockets!
8:57--3rd & 5...Brees avoids the sack by shoving his face into the oncoming hand of Antwan Odom. FIRST DOWN!
8:58--The World's Most Amazing Human Being Ever Birthed On Our Planet comes up just short of the endzone on a draw. But it is going to be reviewed! Everyone, hold your collective breath!
9:01--Upon further review...the runner did fail to reach the endzone. How can that be? HOW?!
9:02--GOD'S FAVORITE SON, WHOM HE LOVES MUCH MORE THAN JESUS just dropped an easy TD pass. Yes, I am smiling.
9:03--Third try is a charm, as First Ballot Hall of Famer Reggie Bush gets the one-yard TD run. His line tonight? 5 carries, 13 yards, 1 TD. Oh, and one catch for -5. Quality.
9:04--Vince Young might be injured? This is great news for anyone who prefers their team to be piloted by an alcoholic racist.
9:05--Collins takes the field as Tafoya tells us it is an issue with Vince's wrist. Wait a second... I'd completely forgotten that Drunky McKlansman was a #5 overall pick.
9:06--Relax... Vince's wrist problem is just caused by cramps. It must be that time of the month.
9:22--...aaaaand, we're back, though I'm sure none of us has exhaled since Vince left the field.
9:23--Tafoya tell us Vince is fine, per Coach Fisher. Just to prove he is tough, Vince slapped some teammates with that hand. In game news, Baby Jesus' Golden Hair just lobbed the ball back to Brees, who was promptly murdered by five dudes.
9:25--Three-and-out and a punt. The more things change...
9:29--Blah blah Vince's arm blah tough blah blah LenDale ate a pony blah. Three-and-out, punt forthcoming. Who wants me to just start linking to random porn? Anyone?
9:31--Tired by his enormous workload, BUSHGOD takes a seat so Aaron Stecker can get some face time.
9:33--I have to say, this ESPN criticism of Bush, no matter how slight, is a nice touch. An unexpected nice touch.
9:35--Our Lord and Savior gets 11 on a dump pass. Nice moves there. I'm sure they drafted you hoping that you'd be a great check-down option. Oh, Stecker is in at RB now because the Saints actually want to run the ball between the tackles.
9:37--Nice pass and catch by Colston, who gets down to the one. AllahGodMohammedJesus punches it in from one yard out. 14 yards rushing and 2 TDs. He is apparently Jerome Bettis, circa 2005.
9:39--Let me just go ahead and state how annoyed I am that Reggie can look like dogshit carrying the ball, but still have two TDs. I am even more annoyed thinking about how ESPN will only show the TDs. And, no, I STILL wouldn't take him over Mario. I'm rambling again...
9:41--Michael Griffin with a nice return out to the 41. In other news, it appears my prayers that the Superdome collapse tonight will not be answered. I suppose this is what happens when you take EVERY diety's name in vain.
9:43--Chris Brown busts off a big run and, just like that, the Titans are inside the NO 40. Let's go, Titans?
9:45--White powers for a big first down and seemed to be face-masked for 4 seconds with no call. It's a brave man that sticks his fingers inside LenDale's cage.
9:47--Defense offsides. Free first down. Way to follow up that impressive drive, New Orleans. I'm sure Drew Brees appreciates the breather, but maybe get a stop if you want to win a game this season.
9:51--Young throws a horribly ugly pass on the run to Eric Moulds. Great catch by Moulds, too. Tony K just made an age joke about Moulds. He's so witty and irreverent. Catch being challenged. As is my will to live.
9:53--Play upheld. Fuck you for challenging Mike Carey.
9:54--TD, White. Titans lead. Saints still suck.
9:58--Bush for 1 yard. Unfortunately for the Saints, they were more than one yard from the endzone.
10:01--Brees leaps for the first down and gets nailed by three defensive players. He's no Joseph Addai. 10 points for courage; 2 points for brains.
10:03--The leap was for naught, as Brees fumbles on the next snap. Titans ball. If they score a TD on this drive, the bloggin' is done for tonight.
10:05--Great patience by VY waiting for Roydell Williams to get open. Nice pass, too. Vince is apparently only 12 of 20 for 150+, 1 TD, 1 INT, but this sure seems like one of his better passing performances that I've seen. Odd.
10:07--Tirico points out that a QB who can run well is a dual threat. He is so wise, that Tirico. I can totally understand why he replaced Dan Patrick on the radio show. Tirico is also a dirty, dirty man.
10:09--Titans are down to the 2-yard line. Inertia prevents LenDale from cutting, so he plows into a pile of bodies for no gain.
10:10--NICE pass on the rollout from Vince to Scaife. Touchdown, Titans. Bedtime, Matt.
This question may sound rhetorical, but I am really looking for an answer. Isn't the point of keeping a guy on your roster so that, should the need arise, he would be able to play? I mean, we aren't in the business of just keeping people around because they are trying to go to med school or can make origami swans or whatever, are we?
I ask because I am struggling to figure out why Samkon Gado made the 53-man roster if, when his time finally came to play, we were going to have him split carries with backup fullback Jameel Cook. You know, the same Jameel Cook who, prior to yesterday, had six carries in his entire career. The same Jameel Cook whom many Texans fans wanted to see released outright after his TWO game-losing fumbles against the Giants and the Bills last season. Yeah, that guy.
So, back to the question: If Sam Gado is not good enough to play running back ahead of our backup fullback, why is he on the roster in the first place?
I am not asking the "why did Gado struggle against the Colts D" question. I highly doubt any teams have a third RB who would fare well against that unit. I am asking why Gado exists as a Texan if he is not a far better option than Cook. I think that's a valid question and one that is made even more valid as it appears somewhat likely we will go into week 4 without Ahman Green or Ron Dayne.
Gado had six carries for 12 yards and a one-yard TD. Now, two yards per carry is not good (unless you were taken second overall in the 2006 Draft), I will grant you that. But considering the closeness of the score and Cook's track record of fumbling late in close games, shouldn't almost all of the carries be handled by the guy who is actually a running back? Isn't that why he's on your team? Isn't that what being third on the depth chart means?! I am honestly bumfuzzled by this whole thing.
The best "standard coachspeak" answers I can come up with is that Gado made the team because he "really showed us something in the preseason" (where "something"= "naked photos of the coaching staff and some girl scouts") or Gado is on the team because he was the "best option available." If it really is the former answer, then there's nothing we can do and we are stuck with Gado forever. If it's the latter, however, I call bullshit on it now just like I did when they said it about Petey starting.
Listen...if Player X is doing absolutely nothing for you, then it's not possible that Player Y wouldn't be an upgrade. Petey was atrocious in that game. So bad, in fact, that non-Texans-fan friends noticed and said "Christ... don't you guys have ANYTHING to put over there? A sock monkey, maybe? Anything?"
Anyway, given that kind of reaction, I am not buying that having a player with any additional skills would not be an improvement. And, getting back to the point of this post, the same thing holds true for Gado; if he is not good enough to play if and when his opportunity comes, then anyone who would be good enough to get 11 carries instead of 6 would be an improvement.
Maybe I am making more out of this than I should. It's entirely possible that Gado will get all of the carries next week (assuming Dayne can't go) and will be effective (he did have 3 TDs against Atlanta the last time he played them). It's also entirely possible that Kubiak and Co. just split the carries between the two guys because they assumed that neither would manage much of anything, so they abandoned the running game and figured they might as well decrease the chance of the third RB getting hurt as well. I can't say that I agree with that kind of strategy--if anything, we should have run the ball a little more, especially early in the second half--but the injury part of it would make sense.
If, however, the sole reason was because they thought Cook could do the job better than Gado, then Gado should not be a Texan. Period. End of story.
*******
I am hoping that this is my last post about the Colts game. I promise nothing, of course, but I plan to start looking ahead as of right now.
Arrows cost money. Use up the Irish; their dead cost nothing.
Oh, gee, more outstanding news from yesterday's game. And, by "outstanding," I mean "shitacular." Starting C Steve McKinney is out for the season with a torn ACL.
Obviously, Mike Flanagan will fill in for McKinney, with Chris White backing up Flanagan. My hope is that the team uses this chance to develop another Center and my money is on Kasey Studdard or Brandon Frye (currently on the practice squad). Of the two, I would prefer Studdard, though my primary reason is because I think Frye is better suited for Guard (or even Tackle). Besides, Studdard has "a mean streak," which I think means that he will not hesitate to lay the pimp hand on any motherfucker that crosses him.
In other injury-plagued news, the separated shoulder Jacoby Jones suffered on his 74-yard punt return yesterday is going to keep him sidelined "two or three weeks." With any luck, Jerome Mathis will slide into the PR duties so that we don't have to deal with Dexter Wynn for "two or three weeks" of punt returning.
Let's play a little Monday morning round of "Good News / Bad News."
Good. Our next two games are against teams that have yet to win a game in 2007 and that are quarterbacked by Joey Harrington and Trent Green, respectively.
Bad. Our starting WRs against Atlanta might very well be Jerome Mathis and Kevin Walter (or even worse, Bethel Johnson and Kevin Walter).
Good. Atlanta is allowing 142 rushing yards per game.
Bad. There is a chance Sam Gado will be our starting RB this week.
Good. We have a top-5 run defense, which is amazing when you consider that the LBs are also having to protect against short passes to make up for our weaknesses at CB2 and safety.
Bad. Petey Faggins is still a starter, so our 234 passing yards per game allowed will not likely go down any time soon.
Good. Matt Schaub took full responsibility for the Gary Brackett INT, saying, "I made the wrong decision and we paid for it."
Bad. That INT could not have been less timely, with the game at 24-10 and Jacoby Jones having just busted a 74 yard return.
Good. The team isn't buying into the "moral victory" spiel, as evidenced by Chester Pitts saying, "[m]oral victory is trash. It's a sin to say that. That was the [old] attitude and mind-set. It wasn't to win the game -- it was to keep it close. I want to call it disgust. We had four or five opportunities to put points on the board."
It wasn't that long ago that Stephanie admonished me for attacking Chad Stanley the person rather than simply berating Stanley's performance. While I don't agree with her, I understand where she was coming from. There are times, however, when a person's performance is so bad that complaining about the player himself becomes part and parcel of discussing his contributions.
That person, of course, is Petey Faggins.
Last week, Faggins was beat-down to the tune of 3 catches for 47 yards and 2 TDs within Carolina's first five minutes of possession. This fact was not lost on the Indianapolis Colts. In fact, they did everything short of pointing and laughing derisively at Faggins as they went to the line. Petey might as well have worn a bulls-eye in place of his number 38.
Think about it. A team with at least five weapons in the passing game (Harrison, Wayne, Clark, Gonzales, and Addai)--a team that is known for spreading the ball around among all the receivers--basically said, "you know what... screw it; we're just going right at number 38." And did they ever. I need to review the tape for a definite count, but I put the number of passes thrown (and completed) to Faggins' responsibility somewhere north of 8.
Of course, it's easy for a QB like Manning to complete passes when the DB is giving his responsibility an 8-yard cushion on every single play. Faggins looked like he was so scared of getting beat deep that he would rather let the person catch the ball in front of him and simply try to make the tackle. This is a bad plan in general. It becomes a truly horrible plan when your team absolutely, positively must have a 3-and-out to get the ball back. Rather than play up even in that dire circumstance, Faggins gave enough cushion that Harrison caught the ball past the first down marker and Petey STILL had to close on him to make the play.
This kind of coverage would be bad enough on its own. Unfortunately, Faggins also screwed up on both of Addai's TD runs. I'm not sure what is more embarrassing--letting Joseph Addai jump over you because you go too low, too early, or ignoring your outside responsibility, running INTO a block, then failing to disengage in time to even get a hand on the guy who ran right at where you were supposed to be--but both plays were laughably bad. Unless you are a Texans fan, in which case they were still bad, but sans laughter.
Word around the campfire is that People Who Know Things just don't think rookie Fred Bennett is anywhere close to ready to play CB2 at the NFL level. Well, guess what...neither is Faggins. Are you seriously telling me that Bennett could not play off his receiver, get burned by nearly every receiver he defends, be targeted by opposing offenses, and blow tackling assignments as well as Faggins can? Well that's a risk I am willing to take. Besides, that would give us 13 games to see if Bennett shows enough skill to make us believe he can take over that role full-time at some point in the near future. If he steps in and does well, we have solved the problem and improved our defense at the same time. If he fails, he can't be any worse than Faggins has been and it gives us even more reason to pursue Asomugah.
Look, I know all about how Petey is a "really nice guy" and "a hard worker" and all that. Thing is, I don't care. Not one little bit. Until I see Bennett and Jamar Fletcher look like Moe and Curly out there, you will not be able to convince me that one of them is not better than Faggins.
The good news, Texans fans, is that even with Faggins' "performance" and enough injuries to make Florence Nightingale say, "yo, hold up," we still had a chance to win that game with 2:30 left on the clock. That is not something that Texans v. 1.0 would have managed. I smell a list.
Da Good
Amobi Okoye. That's three sacks in the last two games for Manchild. The impressive part, though, is the strength he's shown in blasting through double-teams and closing on the QB once he breaks free.
The offensive line. While Schaub was technically sacked thrice, the third one hardly counts (other than on the stat sheet), as Schaubby had to hold the ball long enough for the WRs to get 30 or 40 yards downfield. Other than Salaam getting bowled over by a bull rush, the line did a fantastic job against a much quicker front four than they'd previously faced. Their work was even better when you consider that we presented NO running game, so the Colts knew we were throwing.
Matt Schaub. You know...every time I see Schaub feel a little pressure, escape just far enough to avoid the trouble, and throw an accurate pass to a moving receiver, I cry little tears of joy inside. Watching him march the team down the field in the fourth quarter, I thought to myself, "so this is what it feels like to know you have a quarterback for the next decade or so."
Andre' Davis. Apostrophe was only activated because the other Andre wasn't able to go today. When Jones went down, however, Davis promptly came in and played like someone who should not have been waiver-wire fodder. The leaping grab he made at the one was nothing short of fantastic.
The Final Score. No, we didn't win. But if you told any Texans fan back in April that they would play within a TD of the Super Bowl Champs, despite not having Andre Johnson, Ahman Green, the starting punt returner, or Ron Dayne, and despite only getting one sack, I think they would have taken it.
The Run Defense. Considering the LBs have to help in pass coverage, read the play, and then close on the RB, the fact that we kept the Colts under 100 yards for the day has to be considered a positive.
Jerome Mathis. Nice kick return, dude. And a couple nice catches, too. Who are you, and what have you done with Jerome?
Da Bad
Petey Faggins. Ugh.
Matt Schaub. He makes this list for one reason--the INT by Gary Brackett. I liked the play call, but you kind of have to make sure that the proper people bit on the play fake before you go to the obvious first read. Tsk, tsk.
The injury to Cedric Killings. I feel bad for the guy--I might have jinxed him--and I wish him nothing but a speedy and complete recovery. To be fair, though he did drop his head at the last second for some reason. Players are taught from the earliest levels of football not to do this, but Kubiak should still make all his players watch that play and the Kevin Everett injury a couple times, just to reinforce it.
The injuries. Andre Johnson, Ahman Green, Ron Dayne, Cedric Killings, Steve McKinney, Jacoby Jones. Jeez.
The focus of today's game, whether we like it or not, will be on the Texans secondary. That's what happens when you play a team that features at least four bona fide weapons in the passing game. So, I figured today was as good a day as any to discuss the future of that unit.
So far in 2007, Dunta Robinon has played like a bona fide NFL CB1. I am hoping that this is really the season where he establishes himself as a true lockdown cover corner. Now, I realize that I am in the minority of Texans fans when I suggest that Dunta has not been stellar throughout his career, but--at least according to KC Joyner--the stats bear this out. In Scientific Football 2006, Joyner pointed out that Dunta was tied for 68th in completion percentage, 63rd in tight/good coverage percentage, 61st in deep completion percentage, and 74th in short completion percentage in 2005.
Anyway, the 2007 version of Dunta is looking like he is finally putting it all together. I mentioned it the other day, but while Dunta was defending him, Steve Smith managed all of 3 catches for 23 yards and Dunta notched an INT. That's solid defense. So, for now, let's labor under the assumption that Dunta is finally the real deal.
On the other side, Demarcus Faggins spent the first two series against Carolina as the poster child for poor coverage. Now, I think I have mentioned once or twice my distaste for Petey as a CB2, so the fact that he was abused so thoroughly last week did not come as a surprise, at least to me. Unfortunately, as of right now, I have to agree with Stephanie and Kubiak that Faggins is the best option we have out there. Jamar Fletcher has played well (at times) as the nickel, but he hasn't shown me anything that would suggest he can make the move to CB2. And, while Fred Bennett still might develop into that role, his penchant for getting lit up on deep routes gives me pause.
So, just for a second, let's assume that the Texans end this season in the same position as last season--with one real CB. Just like the lack of depth at safety in the upcoming draft, which we've already touched on, 2008 does not look like the year to snag another top flight corner.
In addition to giving the Texans the best 1-2 CB tandem in the league, signing Asomugha would also allow us more flexibility in dealing with our safety situation. Hopefully, Boulware can come on and be a contributor. In addition, we get Earl back. With that kind of CB coverage in front of them, it is entirely possible that you could piece together a good safety duo out of existing parts, meaning that you would be able to address other areas (RB, SLB, OL) with your draft picks. So, yes, it would cost a lot to sign Nnamdi, but--at least by my count--the benefits to the defense would far outweigh the price tag. I mean, in a division where you will be forced to defend Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison twice per season, can you think of a better way to do it than with Robinson and Asomugha?
UPDATE: Well, sure enough, Faggins continues to be atrocious in coverage. At this point, merely being "bad" would be an upgrade.
As cliched as it all sounds, it really does go without saying that a win today would be the biggest in franchise history. We would be alone atop the AFC South standings for the first time ever. We would be riding a five-game winning streak. We would put the rest of the NFL--along with 99% of the talking heads out there--on notice that this Texans team is for real. And, hell, a win would all but guarantee a playoff birth for us if recent history is any indication.
Likewise, a win would be huge for Matt Schaub. He has come in and answered so many questions already about the offensive line, the shortcomings of that old QB, and even whether Schaubby was worth all that we traded to get him. Winning today, however, especially with Andre Johnson sidelined, would pretty much put the past to bed once and for all. Schaub will have established himself as an NFL starter and there will no longer be any need to dwell on 2002-2006.
That's what happens if we win. What happens if we lose, though?
Now, don't get me wrong. I want to win, I know we can win, and I think we will win. I am just asking what the repercussions will be if we don't. By my way of thinking, a loss today is surprisingly not that big of a deal, especially if the game is relatively close. Considering that basically no one (other than Rod Woodson, apparently) thinks we will win, a loss would not having people screaming from the rooftops about how we aren't who they thought we were. Because the Colts are also undefeated and are, you know, World Champs, there is little harm in losing to them--it simply tells you that you are not quite at that level and it gives you something to work toward. And, whether he was a factor last December or not, losing a game when you are missing a weapon like Andre Johnson is hardly shocking.
Really, the only downside to a loss would be that this is the first chance most people will have had to watch the Texans. Barring us getting blown out of Reliant, though, even losing in front of a national audience is not a huge deal. Sure, some people (read: idiots) will watch the game and, should we lose, start talking about how we were overrated and haven't played anyone real. Of course, those people didn't see us win a game last week that no Texans team before this one would have. So what do they know?
What all this means, of course, is that today is a win-win situation. We go into today's game with everything to gain and very, very little to lose. The best part is, in those situations, the team can just go out and play.
In the end, I am hoping that the "losing" part of this discussion is moot. Maybe it's the Kool-Aid, maybe it's my anticipation of how loud Reliant will be, or maybe it's just full-on optimism spawned by the 2-0 start, but I really do think we can win today. If we don't, though, just remember not to panic. Besides, with Atlanta next up on the schedule, life just gets better from here.
So, what are the Internet-based Colts fans saying about this week's game?
We start our tour at Stampede Blue. (Side note: This is, hands down, the best Colts blog out there. Of course that is sort of like being the best Filipino tranny porn website, but still, it's always good to be number 1.) Man, they are really letting us have it over there. Just look at this post, wherein our old pal Big Blue Shoe...actually talks about how good we are looking and how we are going to win 10 games. Hmm. Nevermind. Moving on.
Over at Colts Couch Crew, there was nary a mention of the game, as it seems Russell Puntenney (which sounds dirty, but isn't) is far more concerned with the cheating nature of Bill Belichick and the Patriots. He also offers up an asinine theory about how CameraGate will make the Colts look better in retrospect, as if all the choke jobs preceding last year's success were the result of subterfuge and trickery. Whatever.
Cranky Colts--what's with all the alliteration?--was at least talking about the game, but only with regard to us being without Andre Johnson and the author's hope that Freddie Keaiho will play.
In the end, I was only able to find one post with any sort of smack talk, and it was this one from ColtFreaks.com (predicted score: Colts 34, Texans 10).
I do look for Ahman Green to have nice day but nothing outrageous like Dayne did last year. Without Andre Johnson, the Texans have no major threats. Yes Houston you do have a problem and I see this one getting away from you fast. The Colts will be a little hungry for revenge and the Texans do not have the personnel to get the job done. Yes you have a few emerging players on D, a good young QB, decent RB, but not enough weapons to get it done.
That's about it. Only one score prediction. Only one poorly-punctuated attempt at trash talking analysis. What gives? The only thing I can figure is that--much like the media and the rest of the non-Texans fans out there--Colts fans can't quite figure out how good this Houston team is, so they are avoiding making much out of the game. If they win, they can chalk the pre-game radio silence up to "we weren't worried about the Texans because we are the world champs;" if they lose, the lack of smack before kickoff lends itself nicely to "we knew these Texans were for real...good job."
Either that, or they really are more concerned with Belichick than with this game. Which would be funny in a revisionist, "our one ring is better than their three" sort of way. Surely that's not it...
Continuing the theme here at DGDB&D that early season games are just as important as other games, here's a little tidbit for you: Last year, only one team who started the season 3-0 (Cincinnati) failed to make the playoffs. On the other hand, none of the teams who started 0-3 made it. Which means that this week is potentially big for twenty teams.
Last week: 11-5 Season: 20-11
Week 3 Picks
Minnesota @ Kansas City. Both teams' offense leave something to be desired. And that "something" is a quarterback who doesn't make Rex Grossman look like Peyton Manning. So, I suppose the only edge here is that Minny has a fantastic run defense, which should limit Larry Johnson. Then again, playing at Arrowhead is never easy, especially when you are a shitty QB. I'm going with the homefield advantage over the the Minnesota defense. God, I feel sorry for you if this is your televised game. Pick: Kansas City.
St. Louis @ Tampa Bay. So, Tampa Bay comes out last week and lends more credence to the theory that Reggie Bush the Saints aren't that good, while St. Louis sees its shot at .500 go away when Jeff Wilkins isn't long enough (much to the chagrin of both Scott Linehan and Mrs. Wilkins.) Did you know that since the new conference format was created, the team that finished last in the NFC South the previous year won the division the next? With Carolina seeming less-than-unbeatable and the Saints and Falcons both still winless, Tampa Bay might just keep that streak alive. Weird. Pick: Tampa Bay.
San Francisco @ Pittsburgh. I cannot figure out this San Fran team. Gadget plays, playing just well enough to squeak out a win, and a completely uninspiring 2-0. Mike Nolan looks snazzy in that suit, though. So, they've got that going for them. Which is nice. Pick: Pittsburgh.
Detroit @ Philadelphia. Donovan McNabb says it's harder to be a black QB. I doubted him at first, but he might be right. Jon Kitna claims that God touched him and healed his brain during last week's game. Judging by the games Donovan missed, God never reached down and healed McNabb's knee. That shit is racial! So, yeah...if the Almighty is against you, then it probably is a lot damn harder for black QBs. Pick: Philadelphia
Indianapolis @ HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT. Lost in last week's game was the fact that Dunta Robinson more or less shut down Steve Smith. Smith's first two TDs were very visibly against Petey Faggins. His third was on a seven-yard route against a soft zone, where Robinson did not have responsibility. When Dunta was on him, Smith had 3 catches for 23 yards and Robinson picked off a fourth attempt. None of which has anything to do with this weeks game, but I thought it was worth noting. This week? Well... we were the last team to beat them, we did it with a much lesser team, Reliant is going to be rocking like whoa, and this Kubiak-flavored Kool-Aid tastes like raspberries and awesomeness. Pick: Houston.
San Diego @ Green Bay. I cannot read, type, say, or even think about San Diego without also immediately thinking "Whale's Vagina." Which is kind of fitting, since Norv Turner's offense has Philip Rivers dancing around behind the line like a huge pussy. Also, is there any conceivable reason for LDT to not have cracked 20 carries in a game yet? I sure as shit can't think of one. That said, I also can't think of a 3-0 Green Bay team without getting all confused and lightheaded. So, Pick: San Diego.
Buffalo @ New England. So, in the past week we've learned that (a) Belichick is a cheater and (b) Rodney Harrison got a shipment of HGh right before the Super Bowl. Strangely, it seems like we are going to need pictures of Tom Brady trading 12-year-old Taiwanese girls for crack before people really start to whisper that the Patriots franchise is a little shady. The good news for New England is that they could spend all week at Foxwoods and still show up and beat Buffalo. Pick: New England.
Miami @ New York Jets. Ah, an old school battle for the rights to be tied at 0-3 with Buffalo. You can almost taste the excitement. I suppose the good news is that this week's schedule guarantees the AFC East to pick up two wins along with their two losses. Did you happen to notice that Kellen Clemens threw for 260 yards against Baltimore's defense and would have tied up the game if Justin McCareins wasn't retarded? Of course, Clemens followed the drop with an INT, but you probably could have guessed that. Pick: Miami.
Arizona @ Baltimore. I like this Baltimore team, but I have to wonder about a team that gives up that much yardage to the Jets. They also could manage only 20 against the same Bengals team that gave up 50+ to the Browns for chrissakes. On the other hand, I really, REALLY dislike Matt Leinart. I'm torn. In nature, a raven would fuck up a cardinal, though, so I guess that's how I'll do it. Pick: Baltimore.
Cincinnati @ Seattle. When TO did the Sharpie thing in Seattle years ago, I thought it was hilarious and innovative. When Chad Johnson rocked the fake Hall of Fame jacket a couple weeks ago, I realized prop humor in the NFL had jumped the shark. Hey, if it can happen to Carrottop, it can happen to anyone. The cure? Simple--bring back choreographed group celebrations! TO pretending to have a camera? Lame. Six dudes doing a synchronized Funky Chicken? Genius. Pick: Seattle.
Cleveland @ Oakland. You know where this game should be play. Motherfuckingdulland. Christ. Yeah, yeah... Derek Anderson blah blah. If he throws five TDs again this week, I'll shave Warren Sapp's ass. Pick: Oakland.
Jacksonville @ Denver. Oh, Mike Shanahan, you shady bastard. Calling the timeout after the ball had been snapped last week was the mark of evil. An evil GENIUS, that is. Like a true evil genius, you knew that Janikowski would use the time out to get drunk--not because he's an alcoholic, but because he is Polish--and thereby miss the next attempt. Brilliant. Random side note: David Garrard reminds me of what Vince Young would look like playing on a broken leg, with a bullet lodged in his spinal cord. I have no idea why. Pick: Denver.
Carolina @ Atlanta. The final week of the Joey Harrington Experience seems to be upon us, as Byron Leftwich is set to take over the reins at some point. Hey, here's a great idea! Let's take a team that's built for a mobile QB, struggle behind Harrington, and then get someone who is actually less mobile than Joey to stand in as other teams plow through our line like a fat chick through a birthday cake. This plan cannot possibly fail. By the way, I'm guessing Joey saw the Panthers get manhandled by the JUGGERNAUT last week and thought to himself, "they are not going to be happy next week... I wonder who they are playi--well, FUCK ME!" Pick: Carolina.
New York Giants @ Washington. I have absolutely no reason to think that the Giants will beat the Redskins, meaning your Washington Redskins are going to start the season 3-0. If you'd told me that before the season, I would have assumed you were high. Now, you could tell me that the 'Skins were going to win the NFC East and I'd be inclined to agree with you. The point? A couple lucky bounces and some fortuitous scheduling makes all the difference in the world. Also, the Giants suck, much to the sick delight of my Giants-fan friends. Pick: Washington.
Dallas @ Chicago. I don't think I could be more tired of two athletes than I am of the two QBs in this game. Finally, though, we get to see what Romo can do against a good defense. We also get to see what Rex can do against an abysmal pass defense. Actually, I would get to see these things if I were going to watch this game. Which I am not. Pick: Chicago.
Tennessee @ New Orleans. Can you remember being more wrong about a team before the season started that everyone was about this Saints team? Combine the fact that they have been playing like dog ass with the fact that Vince Young wins when you put him in the national spotlight and I don't see much of any way the overhyped Saints (and the overrated Reggie Bush) can pull this one out. Pick: Tennessee.
EDIT: This is, apparently, my 200th post. And my high school guidance counselor said I would never do anything of note. That bitch.
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys by: Tank Johnson
I grew up dreamin' of bein' a Cowboy, and lovin' the Cowboy ways. Pursuin' the life of my coke-snortin' heroes, I smoked weed through my college days. I learned of all the rules of the modern-day criminal, And did my best to get out of Chi-town. A gun-totin' athlete, of course Jerry wants me, He likes how Tank Johnson gets down.
My heroes have always been Cowboys. Or since at least ninety-three I did my jail time, then fucked up again, Just so Jerry Jones would sign me
Cowboys are special with their own way of partyin', With firearms and strippers and crack. You could die from the drugs, or just contract herpes, But when you're high, you don't think about that. Pickin' up hookers around Corinth and Harwood, I don't worry that it might be a sting. Because if I'm arrested, well that's nothing new. Hey, what does "recidivism" mean?
My heroes have always been Cowboys. Or since at least ninety-three. I did my jail time, then fucked up again, Just so Jerry Jones would sign me.
I did my jail time, then fucked up again Just so Jerry Jones would sign me.
2. There is a fairly good possibility that I will be in Houston for the Titans-Texans tilt on October 21. Should that happen (and should I manage to stay out of the emergency room this time), would people be interested in a get-together on Saturday evening? I assume I can twist Tim's arm enough that he will drink...who else might swing it?
3. Interesting take on Darius Walker from Fanhouse. Shockingly, it was not written by Stephanie. Other people thinking about the Texans? What's next, cats sleeping with dogs? Britney looking good on the VMAs? Me not making jokes about Manning and Chesney?!?! Anarchy!!!!
As I type feverishly in an effort to convince myself...
I left a shorter version of that last post as a comment for Stephanie over at FanHouse. In response, she brought up a good point: when we beat the Colts last Christmas Eve (i.e. the last time they lost to anyone), we did with David Carr and Ron Dayne.
Not only that, we did it with the final iteration of Zoolander the Texan. You know, the one whose progression was "safety valve, run out of bounds, fetal position." The one whose month of December included things like 3-step drops1, 4 INT game, and a overall rating for the month of 59.9. In that game against the Colts, however, Johnny Whitegloves went 16-26--7 of those to the RBs--for 127 yards (a whopping 4.5 average) and 1 TD. Clearly, this would not be good enough to beat the Colts. Yet, win we did because Ron Dayne chipped in with 153 rushing yards and two TDs, which, along with Kris Brown's two FGs, allowed us to eke it out.
Now, nine months later, our team appears to be markedly better in nearly every aspect than the one that took the field last December. Most importantly, in place of Carr and Dayne, we're rolling out there with Schaub and Batman. And, if we can manage to get the Colts to punt--they didn't punt once in last year's game--we have Jacoby freakin' Jones ready to bust off a little somethin' somethin'.
My point?
Andre Johnson had 4 catches for 48 yards in that game, meaning he wasn't exactly the reason we won. Hell, he had a holding penalty that negated a TD and forced us to settle for a FG late in the game. We won because Gary Kubiak's gameplan called for minimizing our weaknesses (i.e. Carr) and exploiting the Colts' weaknesses (i.e. run defense). There is no reason to think we can't use the same philosophy this time around. If we do, we can be in this thing until the end.
If, in addition, we cause a couple turnovers and avoid any of our own, we can actually win this game. And I can say with little or no hyperbole that a win Sunday would be the biggest win in the history of the franchise, bar none.
1 Despite this shortened drop and the instruction from the staff to stop trying to read defenses, Sandy was still sacked 12 times in December... behind the EXACT same line that has only allowed 2 sacks of Matt Schaub. Can we please, PLEASE stop pretending that David's own timidity and lack of poise didn't lead to most of his sacks?
I can't think of a moment where I would not be a little upset to read that Andre Johnson was injured. Possibly fifteen minutes after he retires following a Hall of Fame career, he could sprain his knee and I would not be overly upset. Though, by then, we will probably have found a way to include retired players in fantasy football scoring, so it would still be a problem. Sayeth the Kubes regarding AJ's knee:
I would say that he is doubtful for that football game. We'll know more in the next couple of days. There was no swelling, but there's definitely a sprain there. It's a concern right now.
That's the good news and the bad news. We feel fortunate. Andre is going to be fine. Is he going to be fine in one week? Or is he going to be fine in four weeks? We're still in the evaluation stage. We don't know.
Obviously, when your next game is against the reigning champs (and the other undefeated AFC South team), you would like to have your All-World WR at 100%. That, however, is not going to happen.
And, you know what? We still have a chance to win. Granted, it's not as good as it would be with a healthy AJ, but it's still fairly decent. And that, my friends, is the biggest difference between having Matt Schaub under center and having Johnny Whitegloves taking snaps. Schaub gives us a chance to win every single time out. He avoids sacks. He makes good decisions. He doesn't get flustered and fall to the ground in a puddle of his own tears and pee. You know, he does all the things a good NFL QB is supposed to.
He is also accurate and adept at spreading the ball around, which is the biggest reason we still have a chance. If Schaub just takes what the defense gives him--and, let's be honest, the secondary of the Colts is not exactly fantastic--he should be able to move the ball. There likely won't be any 70-yard TDs, but there is no reason to think that he can't get 8 or 10 at a time to Jones, Walter, and the Owen Daniels Express, not to mention Leach and Batman.
Of course, it's not scoring on the Colts that will win the game for us so much as preventing them from scoring. Given that Petey will have to "cover" either Harrison or Wayne... well... um... that might be a problem unless Mario turns into Adebisi on Ugoh.
All that said, the fact that I could wake up this morning, see that Johnson was doubtful for Sunday, and not break down in a cold sweat while picturing a 77-0 drubbing says a lot about this current Texans team and, more importantly, about Matt Schaub. Now, if you'll excuse, I have about 30 Manning-Chesney posts to write between now and Sunday.
Losing is never fun, but here's a little something to keep your spirits up. It's real nice, I got it at Target. It was on sale.
If today's performance was any indication, Amobi Okoye would like to invite Mike Florio to kiss his large, Nigerian butt. You see, back on August 22, Florio wrote at Pro Football Talk that Okoye was "another whiff by the Texans." If Florio had the testicular fortitude to permalink his rumor mill entires, you could read the following at his site. Thankfully, BRB quoted him.
There's already talk in league circles that defensive tackle Amobi Okoye, the No. 10 overall pick in the draft, could be a bust.
The 20-year-old rookie from Louisville received plenty of hype in the run up to the draft. But the opinion of some is that he is undersized and not strong. As one source said, he's the "creation of a good P.R. campaign," and "there's no way he's a first-round pick."
Okoye already has been overshadowed in training camp and the preseason by Rams nose tackle Adam Carriker, the 13th overall selection. Carriker appears to be poised to make an instant impact at this level.
In our view, the biggest red flag regarding Okoye was raised when his college coach, Bobby Petrino, drafted defensive end Jamaal Anderson instead of Okoye. If Petrino, who had prior NFL experience, believed that Okoye could excel as a pro, Petrino surely would have taken the known commodity over the unknown quantity.
If Okoye falters, he'll be the third first-round pick on the Texans defensive line that has underachieved, including defensive tackle Travis Johnson and defensive end Mario Williams.
In the first game of the season, Amobi notched only one tackle, but there was talk afterward about how he was already drawing double-teams. Today, Amobi showed up and fed Florio (and the Panthers) a Manchild-sized platter of "Shut the Hell Up." 2 tackles, 2 sacks (for 23 yards), and forced fumble. In his second NFL game. Just for the sake of comparison, Will Smith of the "hey, look, they SUCK this year" Saints was in his second season before he notched a two-sack game, which remains his single-game high. Between Okoye's production today and Mario Williams and Travis Johnson's production last week, that single blurb from Pro Football Talk might go down as one of the dumber things he's ever written. Which is saying a lot.
Moving on to happier, Panther-beatdown notes:
There was a moment, just after Steve Smith had his filthy way with Petey Faggins for the second time in roughly 13 seconds--seriously, why the hell was Faggins "covering" him?--where I found myself doubting that we could play with the "good" teams. It was just a flicker, just a momentary lapse in confidence, but it was there. You see, these are the things that happen when you are more used to your team being the punchline. Unlike years past, however, there was still a part of me that thought we would be fine if we could punch it into the endzone on the next possession. Thank you Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson.
Speaking of Amobi and Mario, et al, how about that defensive front seven, baby? Gus Johnson must've been sporting a semi with the way he was praising them in the second half. And with good reason. For the second game in a row, we kept the opposition under 100 yards rushing. The line notched 3 sacks. Jake Delhomme looked like he'd been taking happy feet lessons from Zoolander.
The Schaub Experiment continues to be a success. In addition to his cold-hearted ninja drive for the first TD, he was just Fonzie all day. 20/28, 227 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INTs.
I continue to worship at the high holy altar of Matt Turk's golden foot.
It'll get mentioned to death in the next six days, but today's win was our fourth straight going back to last season. Our first four game winning streak. Our first 2-0 start. The latest in the season we've ever been in first in our own division. These are not your older brother's Texans.
DeAngelo Williams and DeShaun Foster got DeStroyed by our DeFense. Yes, that was lame.
Because we won, I am more than willing to admit that Steve Smith is friggin' amazing. On that third TD, despite the fact that DeMeco should have wrapped him up better, he showed exactly why he is the greatest WR in the history of Utah football. Go Utes.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Petey Faggins is awful. Yes, Steve Smith makes lots of corners look bad, but I can't remember ever seeing one looked confused and scared on every single snap. Credit the coaches for putting Dunta Robinson on Smith after the second TD. And credit Dunta for snagging a sweet INT.
Finally, how awesome was it that the first extended shot of Zoolander on the sidelines showed him touching his hair with a white glove on his throwing hand. It's 80 degrees, you aren't playing any time soon... LOSE THE GLOVE. Maybe stash it in the helmet that you also will not be using prior to the point where Panthers fans consider self-immolation.
I think it goes without saying (but I am going to say it anyway) that next week's game against Indy is going to be off the proverbial chain. Both teams undefeated. No real love lost between the two teams. Reliant will be as loud as you've ever heard it. If anyone has tickets but will be, say, taking their kids to the Houston Zoo, please let me know.
We might be two hours from the kickoff of Week 2, but I had one last thought on week 1. All week long, there was a constant refrain of "week 1 results are meaningless." So, out of curiosity, I wanted to know just how "meaningless" they were. Over the last five years1, how many playoff teams won their first game?
2006 9 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1 (1 loser played another playoff team)
2005 8 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1 (2 losers played another playoff team)
2004 11 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1 (The 1 loser lost to another playoff team)
2003 6 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1 (No losers lost to another playoff team)
2002 6 out of 12 playoff teams won in week 1 (3 losers played another playoff team)
So? Well, 40 out of the last 60 playoff teams won their week 1 game. Additionally, 7 of the 20 losers who still made the playoffs lost their opening game to another playoff team. Combined, that's 78% of the playoff field over the last half decade. (The flip side of this, obviously, is that losing your opening game to a bad team--with bad defined as "does not go on to make the playoffs that year"--gave you less than a 1-in-4 shot at making the postseason.)
I wouldn't exactly call that week 1 game "meaningless."
1 Because that's when the divisions were realigned into the current formation.
I beg your pardon Kenny's giving me a ragin' hard-on His songs about sunshine Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine I can catch or I can pitch, I can be Kenny's bitch And make him go "whoa-oh-oh." I beg your pardon, Kenny's giving me a ragin' hard-on.
I could promise you things like Super Bowl rings, But you'll have to do more than tell Renee, you need to show her. Kenny, bend it over. Well, if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true, I would give this all up and escape with you to Cozumel, Even though I don't suntan well. So smile for a while, there's no harm in showing you my "laser, rocket arm." Come along, be my biggest Volunteer fan, man.
I beg your pardon, Kenny's giving me a ragin' hard-on. His songs about sunshine, Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine.
[Instrumental break.]
I beg your pardon, Kenny's giving me a ragin' hard-on.
I finally beat Tom Brady, so I'm thinking maybe That's what it takes to win you, Come and play with Archie's son; as my receiver, you're number one. We can pull a QB sneak or you can split wide and go deep, And if you're into kink, I'll give you a donkey punch. Tell me do you like it rough? So smile for a while and let's watch some TV: You'll see at least fifty commercials with me. Don't you want to date such a famous man?
I beg your pardon, Kenny's giving me a ragin' hard-on. His songs about sunshine, Make me wanna touch his manhood to mine.
On the list of "Things That Make Me Happy," getting an email from a reader with the subject line "CBS gives Casserly oral" would be way up there near the top.
Reader Grayson sent along this link along with the observation that it "looks like someone at CBS has Casserly's wang in their mouth."
Casserly defied conventional thinking in taking Williams, and that led to an uproar around the league, and especially in Houston. He was vilified on the talk-show circuit.
People love offensive highlights, which Bush and Young provided in college. They don't get excited for defense. "We took a lot of abuse for that pick," Casserly said.
That might change now. And here's why: The Texans indeed picked the right player
I like the gist of the article--the Mario Williams was the right guy--but I don't know how much credit we should give ol' Chuck. I mean, the general consensus is that Kubiak pushed for Mario as much or more than Casserly, right?
I know, I know... if people were going to bag on Casserly when Mario seemed to be playing poorly, then he should get credit for the success Mario seems to enjoy now. Fair enough--if you believe he was the impetus behind the pick. If not, then both the derision and the praise are/were misplaced. The majority of the articles I read after the fact--at least those written by people who would be "in the know"--suggested that this pick was made primarily because Gary Kubiak was sold on Mario (and possibly though Domanick Williams (nee Davis) would be back).
UPDATE: Tman makes a good point in the comments--that one great game does not equal redemption. I don't argue with that. My bigger point here is just that, whether Mario succeeds or fails, the credit/blame should not go to Casserly for this pick. He's relegated to his other good works (Andre Johnson, Dunta Robinson) and his other flops (see, generally, 2002-2005).
Drafted by the city of New Orleans, Overrated, hell; you shoulda took me number one At USC, you know I won the Heisman, I averaged way more than three-point-five per run. Now I'm in the NFC Where nearly everyone's as fast as me And they all hit harder than those pussies out at Cal. Shelden Brown nearly knocked me out, I can't believe Drew hung me out I made fun of his mole, but I thought we were still pals.
CHORUS: Good morning NFL, how are you? Don't you know me I'm the chosen one, I'm the running back they call The Next Gayle Sayers, But, I'll be returning punts Cleveland by the time I'm done.
Getting throttled by Indy in the season opener. I'd look better if no one was keeping score. Thank god we still have Deuce McAllister, I had 12 carries and sure didn't want no more. And the writers for the papers And the hacks at ESPN Continue to talk out of their ass. Thank you Charlie Casserly, For taking Mario and not me You got fired, but I get a free pass.
Hello, NFL, how are you? Don't you know me I'm the chosen one, I'm the running back they call The Next Gayle Sayers, But, I'll be returning punts Cleveland by the time I'm done.
Nighttime in The City of New Orleans, Kim Kardashian coming over soon. My USC education was awesome Matt Leinart showed me how to snag hot poon. And all the fans down in Houston Are starting to change their song About whether they wish I was in Liberty White. Some are still hung up on Vince, But my name no longer makes them wince, They whisper "Hey, maybe we actually drafted right."
Good night, NFL , how are you? Don't you know me I'm the chosen one, I'm the running back they call The Next Gayle Sayers, But, I'll be returning punts Cleveland by the time I'm done.
I keep a close watch on my offensive line Lest they let someone hit me from behind They buy me three seconds, they know that I need nine The fault's not mine I blame the line
Other teams find it easy to beat us So in fear I curl up like a fetus Don't try to blame those four picks on me because The fault's not mine I blame the line
As sure as night is dark and day is light Daddy swears I'm doing everything right And he should know, since he's always within sight That the fault's not mine He blames the line
The humidity in Houston wrecks my hair But my teammates, they seem not to care That I need thirty seconds when I'm back there See, the fault's not mine I blame the line
I still think I'll make the Hall of Fame Then people won't spit when they say my name In Carolina, that's where I'll stake my claim (Unless I find I need to blame the line)
On behalf of Houston fans, allow me to offer our sincere apology. We're truly sorry that the situation "just got so big," David. Unreasonable expectations, such as a .500 record within (5) years and/or a QB who is better known for his play than his hair, sure can be a pain.
[...]
And while his worth ethic, leadership, and performance have thus far proven to be everything you weren't, we haven't forgotten you, Dave. Every time we purchase a bottle of mousse, or get a spray tan, or watch an infant or a puppy curl up as if it was still in its mother's womb, we will think of you.
Zoolander: But it's not over. A defender may have already gotten some penetration into the...wait, who am I kidding? This is the Texans offensive line! Of course the D will have gotten back there! You know, that's why I'm not still in Houston, Foxy. The Texans never protected me.
Fox (speechless):...
Zoolander: Anyhooo...if there's a defender within five yards of that SOB #8, he'll go to his third option--the fetal position.
Fox: WHAT THE...!
Zoolander: Yup. He'll curl up and fall down. I used to imagine that I was back in my daddy's womb, where it was always so safe and warm and...
In other news, I am actually starting to look forward to this game. Considering the Panthers have good corners and a pass rush, this should be the perfect test for the Texans v. 2.0 offense, as we'll actually have to manufacture some drives. (Something that we are not used to seeing between September and December.) Should be close.
Also, if anyone can find a link to the stats that Eric Kuselias (or it might have been John Seibel) was talking about yesterday regarding the importance of week 1 games, I would greatly appreciate it.
The NFL announced today that Texans defensive end Mario Williams was named AFC Defensive Player of the Week, capturing the award for the first time in his career.
Williams also garnered honors as the Associated Press NFL Player of the Week. [...]
Williams keyed the Texans' defense, collecting five tackles—four solos—two sacks, three QB hurries, a fumble recovery, a forced fumble and his first career touchdown in the Texans' Week 1 20-3 win over the Kansas City Chiefs. The win gave the Texans their first three-game winning streak in franchise history. [...]
Williams also is in the running for GMC Defensive Player of the Week honors.
More on Will Demps, this time from my friend, Ren. Because he is a Giants fan, brutally honest, and a total asshole, I trust this scouting report as much as any you'll read anywhere.
I assume you guys are thinking about picking him up or that you're wondering if they should have. Demps looked like a solid FS in baltimore before he blew out his knee. Last year, he consistently looked a step slow and that affected every facet of his game--most of all his tackling. You gotta give a d-back a pass on the year after surgery. He was embarrassed as hell and swore to do better the next year. This year, the coaches tried to light a fire under his ass by forcing him to split reps with this kid, James Butler. Demps took it like a man and played really well in the first 2 preseason games before hurting himself (granted 1/2 those reps came against the 2nd team). Since Reese is sandbagging Coughlin this year [i believe] it just didn't make sense to pay Demps not to play for 4 weeks, even if he is better than Butler. Long story long, I haven't seen your safeties, but if you'd be pleased having a solid safety who has the upside to be good but not great, then you should sign him. He's also supposed to be a smart player in terms of calling coverages, etc.
Side note: He's also the most metrosexual brother in the NFL possibly. Chicks apparently love him. When we first signed him, there were a bunch of articles about how thousands of women are Will Demps fans and go to his website to look at his gay ass beefcake shots.
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor!
Ah, week 2. Before you know it, Halloween will be here, the Browns will have been eliminated from playoff contention, and Trent Green will have a concussion. It's all as regular as the tides. For now, however, in the final days of summer, the only thing you get are my half-assed game predictions.
Last week: 9-6 Season: 9-6
Week 2 Picks
Cincinnati @ Cleveland. Let's see... the Browns gave up 34 points (including 4 passing TDs for Ben Roethlisberger) last week. And, last I checked, the Bengals had a much better passing attack than do the Steelers. Over/under on the number of heteroquestionable pictures we see of Brady Quinn this week? 21.5. Pick: Cincinnati
Indianapolis @ Tennessee. OK, so I was WAY off about the Titans' ability to move the ball last week. I admit it. I still don't know why the Jags didn't stack the box and force Vince (11-18, 72 YDS, INT) to beat them with his arm, but whatever. This week, the Colts come to town armed with (a) two WRs that Tennessee won't be able to stop and (b) a faster defense. Vince took a couple sacks last week, but he'll taste Dwight Freeney's this week. Pick: Indy
San Francisco @ St. Louis. For the last time... it was an end around that the Niners used against Arizona, not a friggin' reverse. [/kicking Barbaro] Now that we have that out of the way, can I point out just how awful St. Louis looked last week? Sure, Jackson won't fumble twice every week or get your fantasy team zero points (jerk), but losing Orlando Pace isn't exactly going to improve the passing game. And this "revamped" St. Louis defense (186 rushing yds and 20 first downs allowed) isn't likely to slow down Frank Gore. Pick: San Francisco
Green Bay @ New York Giants. As a general rule, if you are the type of person who would come into an occupied room and eat Gardettos without demonstrating the slightest concern for just how loudly you are chewing, I probably hate you. Just sayin'. Pick: Green Bay
Buffalo @ Pittsburgh. I'm still angry that so many random "power" rankings have us below Buffalo this week, so fuck them. Pick: Pittsburgh.
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay. After last week, people were fleeing the Saints' bandwagon like rats from a flooding French Quarter. (Too soon?) After this week, a lot of them will come back like hookers and bums to a rebuilt Bourbon St. This game presents a great chance for everyone's favorite second-string RB to try and improve on his yards/carry and maybe, you know, get a rushing TD. Pick: Saints
HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT @ Carolina. OK, so I predicted this one as a loss in my 9-wins countdown, with the caveat that my prediction was subject to change if Zoolander started the game. Well, Sandy will continue clipboarding, but I am starting to think this game will be tightly contested. Consider: the current Vegas line is Carolina (-6.5). Assuming that all home teams give three points (a fairly safe figure), Sin City says that Carolina is just over a FG better than us on a neutral field. I suppose this sounds about right, but I am way too fucking drunk on the Kool-Aid to pick against us yet. Pick: Roll, Juggernaut!
Minnesota @ Detroit. Both of these teams are looking for their first win of the seas--. What? They are both 1-0? You're bullshitting me. Seriously? Like, seriously seriously? How the hell... oh well, fuck it. Pick: Minnesota
Atlanta @ Jacksonville. Three things I would do if I had a time machine. (1) Get down with Audrey Hepburn circa 1960, (2) invent the Pet Rock a week before the other guy did it, and (3) change my prediction that Jacksonville would win 9 or 10 games. Still, if you get destroyed by Tavaris Jackson and Adrian Peterson, you probably won't fare much better against David Garrard and MoJo Drew. Pick: Jacksonville
Dallas @ Miami. Dear The Fans of the Miami Dolphins, Eli Manning and Co. hung 35 points on the Cowgirls depleted secondary last week. If Trent Green does not get you at least 24, you should probably consider calling it a season. You always have jai alai to watch, though, so all is not lost. Sincerely, Matt. P.S. Feed the ball to Ronnie Brown. Please. Pick: Dallas
Seattle @ Arizona. I've said it before; I'll say it again. Matt Leinart is simply Scott Mitchell with a much better sex life. He also looks less adept at throwing on the run than Stephen Hawking would be. Pick: Seattle
Kansas City @ Chicago. If you live anywhere between Ohio and Colorado, odds are you are being subjected to this game. Not that our defense isn't fairly good, but if Houston holds your all world RB to 43 yards, the Bears probably won't struggle too much against your ground game. The only question in this game is if Lovie gets fed up with Ced Benson and (the other) Adrian Peterson enough to give Garrett Wolfe some reps. The only person who can lead the Chiefs to victory in this one is Rex Grossman. Pick: Chicago
Oakland @ Denver. Did you know Josh McCown was 30-40 passing last week? Wild. And the Raiders actually, like, scored points and stuff. They still lost--some things never change--but they were in the game until the fourth quarter. Of course, that was against Detroit. Denver, led by scramblin' Jay Cutler will not be so accommodating. Also, as a public service announcement, I would just like to remind all Oakland fans traveling to this game to make sure your female companions are on birth control; Travis Henry can impregnate with a stare. Pick: Denver
New York Jets @ Baltimore. To quote my Ravens-fan friend Orlando: "Six turnovers, 7 passes thrown over the heads of receivers, robbed of a TD by a horrible call, another horrible call on an interception that bounced on the ground (and not within the control of the defender), 8 chances to score from the 5 yard line, and injuries to [Jon Ogden] and Ray-Ray...and still we had chances to win. There lies the agony of being a Raven's fan, we are too good to fire Billick, but too bad to ever be comfortable with him at the helm." That's rough. Pick: New York
San Diego @ New England. Whoever first said "cheaters never win" is a motherfucking liar. Just ask the Pats. (Side note: Firefox recognizes the word "motherfucker" as being correctly spelled.) My question is, why does the list of possible punishments not include forfeiting the game in which they cheated? Taking away a 3rd round pick won't do shit; making the current standing say "Patriots 0-1" certainly would. While we are talking about cheaters getting caught, lets not forget Shawne Merriman. Oh, wait, this is football. We don't care if someone used steroids. Pick: New England
Washington @ Philadelphia. I was going to write something insightful and witty here, but the twit who shares my office is whining into her phone because she's a fucking moron. (And because someone said something kind of mean to her, likely because she's a fucking moron.) I'm outta here. Pick: Washington
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine
By now, you've heard that we signed former Giants safety Will Demps. (Click on that link, laugh, and then come back. I'll wait.)
My initial reaction when I heard this was "I thought he got seriously hurt not long after Deadspin ran this." Since no one else was mentioning it,1 though, I assumed that I must've made that up in my head. (It happens. I once convinced myself that I had won a sizeable monetary prize, which was apparently just a dream.)
Giants September 2: Placed safety Will Demps on injured reserve
So what gives?
Well, according to Yahoo! Sports:
Demps dislocated his elbow in a preseason game at Baltimore on Aug. 19 and was expected to be sidelined at least three weeks. He started all 17 games last season, but lost his starting job to James Butler in the offseason.
So, basically, he was placed on IR to avoid cutting him outright. But wait, there's more. From NY Daily News:
Demps, who has a dislocated right elbow, was placed on injured reserve yesterday as the Giants trimmed their roster down to 52 - one below the league limit of 53. However, the Giants were negotiating an injury settlement with him and he is expected to be released soon.
Demps, 27, was the Giants' starting free safety last year, but had an awful season and lost his job to James Butler (emphasis added).
So... um... I do have ultimate faith in the genius of Rick Smith, but I'm not overly optimistic about this move. Demps is young(ish) and did have 100 tackles, but having your season described as "awful" is not a good sign. Plus, according to my friend Harrison (a Giants fan), Demps is "nothing special...I can think of a few times of him getting beat pretty badly." Unless Rick knows something NONE of us do, I am thinking there was probably more bang for the buck available out there.
To be continued. Possibly. For example, if my buddy Ren (a rabid, opinionated Giants fan) comes through with his promised detailed scouting report on Demps, I should have some more information tomorrow.
1 Upon further review, Tim did mention that he was "coming off an elbow injury," but that seems to make it sound like the injury was not all that recent. At least to me.
I've never really enjoyed Gregg Easterbrook's Tuesday Morning Quarterback column. I mean, prior to his firing by the WWL, it was very occasionally funny. At some point, though, he just became a caricature of himself. He went from trying to entertain to just trying to prove to his readers that he was the smartest dude on the internets.
I hadn't read him in about a year when I stumbled onto the AFC Preview column that I linked to a couple posts ago. His preview of the Texans:
Bob McNair has spent freely -- the Moo Cows had the seventh-highest NFL payroll in 2006 -- yet still has a cover-your-eyes roster. Check the depth chart. The Texans have only three players (Andre Johnson, Dunta Robinson and DeMeco Ryans) who could have started for the Colts or Bears in the Super Bowl. Quarterback? A guy with two career starts. Tailback? A gent entering his 10th season, a stage when it's rare for a running back to perform well. Offensive line? Ye gods.Tight end? Five bucks says you've never heard of him. Over on defense, the Texans field an impressive selection of high draft choices but don't have much to show for it. Houston has invested its past five first-round draft choices, including the first overall choice of 2006, in four defensive linemen (Jason Babin, Travis Johnson, Mario Williams and Amobi Okoye) and a cornerback. Yet the Texans finished 23rd on defense in 2006 and might not get much help this year from Okoye, who's impressive but might "redshirt" owing to entering the NFL at just 20 years of age because he started college young. As Len Pasquarelli has noted, not only has the Texans offense given up a league-high 272 sacks in the past five seasons but the defense has recorded a league-low 143 sacks. When your sacks differential is minus-129, your team is, what's the word I am looking for … terrible.
This team is dull -- among the dullest team in NFL annals. The Texans seem to skitter around haphazardly like figurines on a vibrating football board: In fact, here is an actual unretouched photograph of a Houston scrimmage. And what have the Texans done in the past two drafts? Passed on Reggie Bush, passed on Vince Young, passed on Brady Quinn, passed on Marshawn Lynch, traded out of a spot from which they could've selected Ted Ginn. This team dearly needs an injection of excitement. *** Houston note 2: The Texans have 14 home victories in five years. Why is anyone buying tickets?
ANYWAY... following that "preview," I decided to read his column today, just to see if he had anything positive to say about the Texans. Anything at all.
For seven years, this column has delivered something no other column in the entire sports alternate-reality even attempts -- at least one item about every NFL game played. Henceforth, my promise to readers is amended: at least one item about every NFL game played, except for those games not mentioned. Keeping the original promise has been exhausting, especially considering Tuesday Morning Quarterback is my hobby, not my occupation. Last night, I cued up some tape of the Houston-Kansas City game and thought with a weary sigh, "Oh man, I gotta watch this until I notice something everybody else missed." Then the heavens opened, a chorus angelorum sang and the football gods said, "Yea, verily, ye doth not." Hence my policy change. I'll continue to have at least one item about the majority of NFL games played.
So the idea of watching the game wherein the QB, RB, and DE you derided a few weeks ago played far better than you anticipated and the defense you mocked held Larry Johnson to 43 yards made you feel "weary?" What kind of bullshit cop-out is that? "Man, if I watch this game, I'm going to have to say something that will not comport with my preview. People will see me for the drivel-spewing elitist fraud that I am. Help me football gods!!! Oh... I know...I'll just pretend like I am too busy to watch games not involving players I want to know in the biblical sense. Brilliant!"
You, sir, are a shitbag of the highest order. And, with that, I will link to the hilarious KSK spoof of TMQ.
There had to have been a second spitter behind the bushes on the gravelly road.
I'm working on a theory. Matt Schaub threw the endzone interception on purpose.
Hear me out. We were moving the ball well, so I think Schaub said to himself "hold on... I don't want people to think that David could have run the team this smoothly. Crap, they seem to have forgotten about him already. Wait! I know! I'll remind them what the last five years felt like." So he dropped back, stared at his target, and lofted an easy INT.
Then, with the spectre of Zoolander again fresh in our collective minds, Schaub said to himself "now watch THIS shit" as he launched a picture-perfect bomb to Andre Johnson. Afterwards, Schaub strolled all cool to the sidelines, thinking, "yeah, you like that? You like how I did that? Because THAT's what Matt Schaub brings to the table. Never forget, bitches."
Tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREE SAFETY!
Maybe I am just going overboard with the glass-half-full approach, but it looks like our fuzzy math, addition-by-subtraction method of creating a secondary continues.
We have talked repeatedly about how C.C. Brown is really a Strong Safety forced to play Free either because (if you are a Brown fan) he was slightly better at that position than Glenn Earl or (if you are not a Brown fan) because he was not good enough to beat out Earl for SS. Either way, he was playing out of position.
No longer. It appears, according to a commenter at BRB, that Von Hutchins will take Jason Simmons spot as a starter, but will play Free Safety. I like this move. I like it a lot, actually. I still say Hutchins was the only starting safety candidate who showed a nose for the ball. Plus, being a converted corner, he shouldn't struggle when asked to cover WRs. (Something that Brown continues to struggle with.) That gives us Hutchins and a free-agent-signing-to-be-named-later on the FS depth chart, along with Brown and Michael Boulware at SS. (According to the link, if Boulware starts, Brown will stay at Free Safety. Odd. I imagine that arrangement would be short-lived if Brown continues to play the pass as poorly as he has.)
Depth, obviously, is a problem. Right now, we have exactly three healthy safeties, all listed above. Current free agent Free Safeties include Indrees Bashir and Jerome Woods. (There are also a couple slightly older CBs who might be able to convert, but I doubt that you want your team with two conversion projects getting serious playing time.) On the practice squad, we have Brandon Mitchell. Of those three, I suppose I would most prefer to bring the Buckeye (*spit*) over, but the other two guys at least have experience as starting FS. That might count for something, especially in the "help Von Hutchins come along" department.
OH... speaking of free agent defensive backs. According to NFL Network, New England Patriot CB Assante Samuel can become an unrestricted free agent if (a) the Pats win 12 games or (b) he plays 60% of the defensive snaps. File that under "intriguing."
UPDATE: Via tyler, we signed Will Demps. This Will Demps. I guess every team needs a guy who doesn't like easy, large-breasted women. In this way, he will be our Jeff Garcia or Tony Romo.
(Some of this was discussed in the comments to the previous posts, but I think this deserves a post.)
For most of the past five years, we have been nothing if not a laughingstock. From the offensive line to the Mario draft pick, non-Texans fans have used Houston as an NFL punchline at every opportunity.
Something strange happened over the last nine or ten months, though. The trade for The Savior Known As Schaub and the removal of the Carr-shaped tumor, coupled the back-to-back wins at the end of the 2006 campaign had people whispering the words "Texans" and "sleeper" in the same sentence. (At the height of this, I even wrote a post about how people needed to stop picking us or I would have nothing to be angry about.)
So, the preseason rolls around. We should've beaten Chicago. We throttled Arizona and Dallas. We lost to Tampa playing only our scrubs. People are singing the praises of Schaub and Jacoby (though still deriding Mario) and talking about how we might have turned the corner.
Given all of that, you would assume that we would get some sort of recognition for the all-out decimation of the Kansas City Chiefs, right? Nope. Now that the season has started, it seems like the national media are afraid to give us any credit, lest we revert to our losing ways and make them look (more) stupid. Fatty Starbucks (aka Peter King) went so far as to rank teams who lost in week 1 ahead of us in his fine fifteen. Teams like Buffalo. BUFFALO! I honestly cannot come up with an argument for how Buffalo is better than us as of this instant. Or how about Jacksonville? Their strength was to be their defense... and that got shredded for nearly 300 rushing yards. So they are better than us?
Now, look... I know the whole thing about having to show some track record of success before you are given any sort of respect. I get that. I don't even disagree. My anger--or, more accurately, righteous indignation--at the whole situation stems from the disingenuous approach of the writers. If you honestly thought we were improved or a sleeper or turning the corner or anything else positive prior to the start of the season, you can't jump off that wagon after seeing the Texans rip the collective heart out of the Chiefs. It makes no sense. If anything, that win should have given the random myopic sportswriter fodder to point at his preseason predictions and scream about how smart he is. You know they all love to do that.
(Random side note: I should've linked to this weeks ago, but Gregg Easterbrook can eat my crack.)
Anyway, in the end, I suppose I am glad that we are back to being off the national radar. That will make it all the more sweet when we rack up our 9 (or more) wins in a "keep my name out of your mouth" sort of way. I just get irritated at the hypocrisy of the national media.
This isn't David Carr's Houston Texans. Sure, new quarterback Matt Schaub wears the same No. 8 Carr sported in his five years in Houston, but that's where the similarities end.
The Texans won their season opener for the first time since 2003 -- a 20-3 shellacking of the Chiefs -- and they did it behind a solid effort from their former first-round pick, and their new starting QB, something the club hasn't been able to say, well, ever.
From Deadspin, where the KSK guys spelled it out nicely.
The Chiefs finished the day at 3-for-11 on 3rd down conversions and 1-for-1 on screwing the pooch on opening weekend. But I give credit to the Texans, who finally got tired of getting the shit kicked out of them and deciding to hold serve on their home weekend.
From ESPN, where they absolutely refuse to ever give any good news about our team because it would make the offensive lines jokes harder to sell.
Tenth-year veteran Jason Simmons tore the patella tendon of his left knee in the second quarter of Sunday's 20-3 season-opening victory over the Kansas City Chiefs and will be placed on injured reserve, effectively ending his season. Houston lost its regular starter, Glenn Earl, for the entire season when he suffered a broken foot last month.
As soon as the game ended, I wrote a post about it. Which I promptly deleted, because it was too... um... overreaching. To say the least.
Look, I know it was only one game. I realize that it's possible (though not probable) that we could go 0-15 the rest of the way, making yesterday's game beyond meaningless. I even realize that--protestations of their fans aside--the Chiefs might be one of the two or three worst teams in football right now.
Even knowing all of that, I can't help but be excited about the way the game turned out. I mean, when you
haven't won a season opener since 2003,
hold Larry Johnson to less than 50 yards rushing,
far exceed even your own fans confident expectations,
allow your fans to actually HAVE confident expectations for the first time,
see your "bust" of a draft pick have the kind of thoroughly dominant day that you have been hoping to see out of him for a year,
see your other, older bust (Travis Johnson) get a freaking interception off a guy who had only one all of last season,
set a franchise record for the longest clock-killing drive in team history to finish off the win,
have your all-world WR set a new career long TD reception, and
watch your new QB do everything right where your old QB would almost certainly have done everything wrong (deep passes, pocket poise, team leadership, etc.),
well then, yeah, your fans are going to be as excited as they've been since September 9, 2002.
Because it's a Monday and I am slightly hungover, you're getting the rest of this post in bullet point form, too.
The All White Pants Party (or whatever they were calling it) looked pretty cool. It's not something I'd want them to do more than once or twice a year, but it should definitely stay as part of the rotation. Also, in a nice dose of irony, people living in the other city where a football team occasionally wears all white did not get to see the Texans' version of that uniform.
Mario Williams. SUPER Mario Williams. Look at this line: 2 sacks, 5 tackles, 1 FR (38 yds), 1 TD. He was also in on (though did not get any credit for) Kalu's sack near the end of the game. He is already halfway to last season's sack total. He has more TDs this season than Reggie Bush. Putting him on the other side and running twists and stunts with him made Mario look like a monster. I am ready to up the projected sack total to 14. (Oh, speaking of Reggie Bush, everyone's favorite Future Hall of Famer averaged 3.2 yards per carry, with a long of 9 this week. Awesome.)
At some point over this training camp, Travis Johnson won me over. I didn't realize it until he picked off that pass, but I was genuinely happy for the guy.
You want to know why Matt Turk is a fantastic addition? Look no further than that 59 yard punt (5.0 second hang time!) from our own 17 just before halftime. Not to pile on the guy, since he's apparently "hurt" and all, but there is no way in hell Chad Stanley pulls that off.
The only bad news that came out of yesterday was that Jason Simmons is gone for the year with a torn patellar tendon. If we weren't so thin at safety, I wouldn't even bat an eye at this. Thankfully, Von Hutchins played well in his stead and we have Boulware waiting in the wings. This is not a unit that can lose any more bodies, but I think we'll be fine with the current pieces. Besides, Hutchins is the one "safety" we have who has shown any kind of nose for the ball. He had his preseason pick and then followed that up with the forced fumble that Mario recovered. In a perfect world, he would play FS and C.C. Brown/Boulware would rotate at SS, but beggars and choosers and whatnot.
I'm not going to lie--after seeing how Carolina destroyed St. Louis yesterday, I am a little scared about next week. Unless Zoolander plays.
Hello, Vegas? Give me a hundred bucks on red ... D’oh!!! All right, I’ll send you a check.
Well ain't this about a bitch? I assumed, albeit without any research into the matter, that ALL of Arkansas would be sans Texans on the television tomorrow.
Nope. Wrong. If I lived in Fayetteville or much of the far western edge of the state, I'd actually get to see that game. Of course, I would also be in Fayetteville or Texarkana, so the trade off would not exactly be pain-free.
Besides, it could be worse, as that little purple island in the middle of the Lone Star State shows.
Week 1 Picks
Denver @ Buffalo. So, unless I missed something in the past couple days, the Bills still have only one WR and J.P. Losman throwing to him, right? Champ Bailey approves. Also, Ian Gold is not overly concerned with Marshawn Lynch. He told me so. Pick: Broncos.
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland.
Pick: Pittsburgh.
Philadelphia @ Green Bay. Count me among the people who think this is Philly's last best shot to do something with the McNabb-Westbrook group. I like Brett Favre as much as any non-cheesehead can, but it is going to be a looooong day against the blitzing Iggles. (You see how I stretched out "long" for emphasis? You can't get that kind of stuff just anywhere.) Pick: Philadelphia
Carolina @ St. Louis. Count me NOT among the people who think David Carr will do anything other than be a clipboard monkey for the Panthers this season, which is why I have the Panthers with one of the first round byes in the NFC. For fantasy purposes, this is the Battle of Steves, but I think it's the 30% of Torry Holt the Rams won't be getting that will decide this. Pick: Carolina
Atlanta @ Minnesota. Joey Harrington! Tavaris Jackson! The spectre of Michael Vick! What we have here is a perfect storm of QB problems. Awesome. Of course, Minnesota also doesn't have any WRs that can come close to beating DeAngelo Hall, so the only thing All Day about Adrian Peterson will be the 9-man fronts he faces. Pick: Atlanta
New England @ New York Jets. I sat here for a minute trying to think of an argument for the Jets winning. I got nuthin'. Pick: New England
Miami @ Washington. I know it can be confusing, but Jason Campbell is the QB of the Redskins; Matt Campbell is the fool who wrote the drivel you are currently reading. Glad we cleared that up. Oh, Trent Green is still a concussion-prone ninny with the arm of a 12-year-old girl. Pick: Redskins
Tennessee @ Jacksonville. Young drops back to pass. He lobs the ball deep and the catch is made by... VINCE YOUNG! He ran downfield and caught his own pass! TD Titans! Barring that, it's going to be a rough year in Nashville. Pick: Jacksonville
Kansas City @ HOUSTON JUGGERNAUT. While we are here, I should mention that I lived in Kansas City for nearly 7 years in my late teens and early 20s. There are few groups of people I loathe more as a collective than Chiefs fans. I am sure some of them are great people, but the majority remind me of that girl in college who claimed to be a huge football fan (and could tell you everything about every player currently on the team) but didn't know a power option from the power train the local frat ran on her last weekend. Pick: Duh.
Detroit @ Oakland. Jon Kitna and Mike Furrey must have the best weed guy in Michigan. (It might very well be Charles Rogers.) How the hell else do you explain their "prediction" of ten wins? Thankfully, the youth of most of America don't have to worry about being corrupted by Detroit's version of Cheech & Chong, as the game will not be seen much outside of Michigan and the Bay Area. Pick: Oakland.
Chicago @ San Diego. My three theories on the 2007 Chicago Bears. 1. You have seen the very best Rex Grossman had to offer. It's all downhill from here. 2. The Bears got rid of the wrong running back. 3. The defense is still good enough to keep this team in contention, even with 1 and 2. They are not, however, good enough to stop San Diego's offense. Pick: San Diego.
Tampa Bay @ Seattle. When your head coach decides he should probably keep FOUR QBs on the active roster, that can't bode well for your game against a Super Bowl contender. Pick: Seattle.
New York Giants @ Dallas. I fully expect the Giants to finish last in the NFC East (much to the delight of my Tom-Coughlin-hating, Giants-fan friends), but I still think they'll win this week. No Terry Glenn, no Terrence Newman, and no Greg Ellis means no season-opening win for the 'Girls. And, if our ass-whooping of them was any indication, they will go into tomorrow's game talking shit and then come out of the loss with excuses about how "it's just the first game" or "call us when YOU have a flaming QB." Pick: New York
Baltimore @ Cincinnati. For the life of me, I cannot figure out why some people are calling the Bengals a Super Bowl contender. If the post-'99 Rams taught us anything, it's that a ton of offense and no defense will not win you a Super Bowl. Oh, they also taught us that it's much better to run over a woman while you are drunk than to simply get busted for DWI. I have no idea how that works. Pick: Baltimore
Arizona @ San Francisco. By now, you've heard that Mike & Mike will be doing the announcing for this game. If that doesn't make you put your skull through the nearest marble counter-top, I don't know what will. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go bet the Over on "Number of times Greenberg is chided for being a metrosexual" (currently set at 15). Pick: San Francisco
Thursday night's game was all well and good in that it was real football that mattered beginning to end. Football is back, yada yada yada. However, for all of us not living in Indianapolis (thankfully) or New Orleans, there is one day left until we kick off the season for real.
For fans of the Juggernaut, of course, tomorrow's game against the Chiefs is full of storylines. Will Schaub keep making us forget about Zoolander? Is Ahman Green as much of an upgrade as we think? Are the Chiefs going to be worse than the Raiders this year? [Author's note: The answer to all of those questions is "yes."]
Now, I am on record as counting this game as one of our nine wins. I still believe that and, other than laughing about the Chiefs failures to win a playoff game since Bill Clinton's first year in office, I have little to add.
I do think, however, that this is as good a place as any to throw out the official DGDB&D 2007 Predictions. Let's rock. (# denotes first round bye, * denotes wild card)
AFC East New England # New York Buffalo Miami
AFC South Indianapolis # Jacksonville * Houston (9-7) Tennessee
AFC West San Diego Denver Oakland Kansas City
AFC North Baltimore Pittsburgh* Cincinnati Cleveland
NFC East Philadelphia Washington Dallas New York
NFC South Carolina # New Orleans* Atlanta Tampa Bay
NFC West Seattle # St. Louis* San Francisco Arizona
NFC North Chicago Green Bay Detroit Minnesota
AFC Championship Game San Diego def. New England
NFC Championship Game Seattle def. Carolina
Super Bowl San Diego def. Seattle
Feel free to hammer me in the comments. Not that you really needed an invite for that.
Living as I do in the fourth circle of Hell--Little Rock--located just between the circle where Lloyd Carr will burn for eternity and the circle where Bud Adams will toil, it's a rarity when I get to see the Texans on regular television. It's pretty much limited to
(a) when they play the Cowgirls, because they are "America's Team" and, by "America," I mean "Mouthbreathing Rednecks" (which appeals to the key demographic here);
(b) when they play the Jaguars, because the Jags feature former Arkansas Razorback Matt Jones, whose career I gather is of much importance to people in a state without professional sports; and
(c) when they play a very good team in the 3pm game, which is self-explanatory.
Of course, considering I don't live in Texas, I don't have a lot of room to complain about the above situation. I mean, we are technically closer to Dallas than just about any team save perhaps the Rams (I am too lazy to mapquest this assertion). And, hell, at least the collective Matt Jones bukkake party lets me see the Houston Juggernauts twice per season. So, yeah, it could be worse. But, again, that is because I live in Little Rock.
If I lived in Austin, TX, however, and had to deal with this kind of crap, I'd be livid. First of all, I am guessing Austinites (Austonians? Austronauts?) see a helluva lot of Cowboys games, despite being closer to the Space City than Romotropolis. Adding insult to this injury, though, it seems that the Austin affiliate has decided that Vince Young and the Titans are more television worthy than the Texans/Chiefs tilt.
Bud Adams stole the Oilers from Houston (now the Titans), left the city with a huge stadium bill to pay, and broke the hearts of Texas pro football fans all over the state. How does K-EYE repay a man that Texas wants to wash their hands of? Play their team over the local team in the state’s capitol [sic].
As I was rather bored today, I called KEYE to ask about the situation.
Random Lady: Kaaay-Eeee-Whyyyy-Eeee Me: Hi, could you transfer me to programming? RL: What is this regarding, hon? Me: Um, your programming. RL: Is this about the Texans? Me: Are you in charge of programming? RL: No. Me: I see. So... can I speak to programming? RL: Is anyone expecting your call? Me: Well, I'd guess that they are expecting a whole lot of these calls if you are screening for them. RL: I can give you a voicemail. Me: Whose voicemail? RL: Programmin's. Me: The person in charge of programming is named "Programmin?" RL: Wh-- hold on. [click]
That's right... she hung up on me. Which makes me think I was not the first person to call about this situation. Reading some of the responses from Texans fans in the Austin viewing area, I doubt I will be the last.
It dawned on me this morning that I hadn't finished my countdown to nine wins. So, here they are--wins 8 and 9. Yes, I am totally mailing this one in.
For an explanation of what the heck I'm talking about, look here.
Win #8--Week 16 @ Indianapolis. Here's the deal--I think all the talk of the Colts' demise is greatly overblown. Yeah, they lost Tarik Glenn, but they have a talented (if not polished) rookie in Tony Ugoh to fill his shoes and--much more importantly--they have a great o-line coach and a QB who is fantastic at avoiding sacks (at least the football kind). On defense, they lost a few parts, but it's not near enough to matter. Hell, they improved by getting rid of Cato June and letting Freddie Keiaho play.
And that is exactly why we will win. By week 16, the Colts should more or less have their playoff positioning set. Which means they will have no need to play their starters very much, if at all, especially on offense. We, on the other hand, should be scrapping for those last few wins to push us over .500. That's a solid combination.
Win #9--Week 17 v. Jacksonville. I have zero explanation for our continued success against the Jags. It's inexplicable. Yet, we keep winning against them. So, I'm just calling the two matchups a split this year because I am nearly certain we will win one of them. That's how we roll.
Contrary to popular belief (hope? expectation?), I did not end it all after Saturday's Michigan loss. However, with the younger brother in town until 4AM today, I was otherwise occupied with non-blog-related stuff. Shocking, I know.
Stories I missed between Sunday and today:
TEP was granted a stay of execution and was placed on IR. He's like herpes... always lurking, ready to flare up, but currently invisible. Eww.
The practice squad was finalized. Jared Zabransky (QB), Darius Walker (RB), Harry Williams (WR), Brandon Frye (OT), Mike Brisiel (OG), Deljuan Robinson (DT), Tim Bulman (DT), Brandon Mitchell (S), and imported LB Eduardo Castaneda.
Scott Jackson made the team and then didn't make the team. He was released when we brought in Carolina-cast-off Rashad Butler. Given that Jackson was doing his best Jimmy Herndon impression in his extended reps, this can only be viewed as a positive.
Stephanie ran some Q-and-A with me, Tim, and other people whose curse hobby it is to write about the Texans.
I was out-of-pocket yesterday, spending most of that time playing football with (much) younger cousins and drinking beer. Thanks to the wonders of cellular technology, however, I received two pieces of interesting news mere minutes after the events occurred in real life.
The first, obviously, was that Michigan lost to something called Appalachian State. Ah, yes... the beautiful state of Appalachia. Where men are men and sheep are nervous.1 Seriously, though, I am not one of those people who is trying to excuse the loss with the whole "well, they won the Division 12 Super Bowl two years in a row." Fuck. That. Shit. You schedule a HOME GAME with a DIVISION I-AA TEAM, you sure as shit BETTER WIN. End of story. My college football season was ruined on September 1 and I blame Lloyd Carr. I hate you, Lloyd Carr.2 OK, that's enough Michigan talk. I realize this whole paragraph only applies to me. Moving on...
The other piece of news was the Babin-for-Boulware trade. Now, I am part of a very small group of people who liked Babin as a draft pick, even at that price. I might be the only non-EMU grad who was talking Babin up as a starter even before camp started this year. In short, I had a weird mancrush-like obsession with J-Babs. That said, I LOVE this trade.
Yes, I know that there are concerns that Boulware is a run-stopping safety and not that great in pass defense. So what? That's pretty much all Glenn Earl did, and I'm 99.27% sure that Boulware will be better than Earl. And no offense to Jason Simmons, who by all accounts is the nicest human being on the planet, but I even more sure that Boulware will be an upgrade over him. Hell, I like having a strong safety that is great against the run. I just wish we had a free safety who was that good against the pass. That will come in time, I suppose. For now, though, we traded a backup DE for an upgrade at SS. That's a deal I'd make 10 times out of 10.
Besides, the deal looks even better when you stop to consider the odds against us snagging a Boulware-level strong safety in next year's draft. More importantly, if Boulware works out like I think he will, we won't have to look for a strong safety next season. We can focus our attentions elsewhere--say FS or (if Barbaro doesn't come back healthy) OT.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to continue numbing yesterday's pain with dark beer.
1 How the hell was that quote not on the IMDB page? Someone is slipping. 2 I've mentioned this to a couple of you, but isn't it bizarre that two of my least favorite people in the whole world have the last name "Carr," yet they are not related? What are the odds of that?
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After last week, the pro-Petey stance was that he had matched up with great receivers and, thus, had no chance. Well, he's in the process of getting meat-shanked by Harrington and some no-name wideouts, and he has two PIs and two holds. In short, he's playing like someone who sucks. Because he is someone who sucks.
